A Man Tried To Vacuum His Own Farts And Paid For It With His Sphincter

Reddit’s TIFU (“Today I F*cked Up”) board is filled with all sorts of cringeworthy tales, including my personal favorite: the baffling story of a man who spent his entire life pooping wrong.

This story, from aptly-named user Myideasreallysuck, certainly has elements of cringe-worthiness, but it’s more of a cautionary tale. Cautionary, at least, for people who need to be told, “Hey man, don’t try to vacuum your farts. You might lose important elements of your butt.”

First, a little backstory:

I’m lactose intolerant. Really badly lactose intolerant. If I have cheese, whey, pretty much anything with milk solids in it, I’ll start blasting with wind like an involuntary ass trumpet. Diarrhea happens occasionally as well. The issue is that I really, really like brie.

When his girlfriend went out to lunch, Mr. Myideasreallysuck decided he’d try to win a few points with her by cleaning the house. A house with delicious brie tempting him from the refrigerator. He gave in to his craving — scarfing down the brie — then gave in to a terrible idea:

It wasn’t long into vacuuming that I started feeling churning. I farted a few times (relatively mildly), before an epiphany hit me: why don’t I vacuum away my farts? The smell will be contained inside the bag and potential embarrassment in the future may be avoided. Without further ado, to maximise absorption, I undid my pants the next time I felt another gas wave hit me.

You can see where this is going. It’s just a matter of how bad it’s going to be. Spoiler alert: VERY BAD.

So began the biggest mistake of recent memory. It turns out that between the negative pressure of a vacuum and the positive pressure of a fart, that the effect was stronger than anticipated. As the fart arrived, the gas was rapidly absorbed into the vacuum tube – along with the end segment of my large intestine.

Unsurprisingly, this hurt a fucking lot. I immediately turned off the vacuum and tried to push my sphincter back inside my ass – turns out that doesn’t work, and it also hurts a fucking lot too. Not long after, my girlfriend arrives home. I avoid explaining why I’m in the bathroom for a while, but eventually I come clean. She laughed way too much before realising shit was serious.

At the time of his message, the storyteller said he was in the hospital, “being prepped for surgery to reconstruct my ass.” Which is a sentence no one should ever have to type.