Viral

Gazing Into The Gaming Crystal Ball: GammaSquad’s E3 Predictions And Odds

Hey guys, next week is E3 and hoo boy is it exciting! Or at least it would be in a world where most of the big stuff hadn’t been announced beforehand and numerous major publishers weren’t sidestepping or outright skipping the event. But hey, some interesting stuff could still happen! Right?

Hit the jump for my E3 predictions along with odds on how likely it is each prediction will actually happen (you know, for our valued degenerate gambler readership)…

– Microsoft’s promised 15 Xbox One exclusives actually exist! (1:1)

– All 15 are either a) Kinect dancerize games, or b) first-person shooters (1:1)

– Contrary to popular belief, the slot on the front of the Xbox One is for credit cards, not game discs. (4:1)

– Also, the Xbox One won’t make use of old-fashioned, last-gen “electricity”. Instead it runs on used games and old consoles, which must be crushed into a fine powder and then deposited a tray in the back of the system. (10:1)

– Microsoft will announce the only “select retailer” you can buy and sell used Xbox One games at is Crazy Larry’s Discount Gameporium, conveniently located near the Interstate mere miles from Nampa, Idaho! (10:1)

– Rare shows off a new Killer Instinct game! (20:1)

This or a new Grabbed by the Ghoulies. Either would be cool. 

– If the above happens, odds that the game is a Kinect-powered tower defence game or something… (2:1)

– Microsoft successfully manages to spin the Xbox One bricking your system if you don’t check in online ever 24-hours as a consumer benefiting “feature”. (10,000:1)

–  Both Microsoft and Sony’s conferences end with half-hour long Call of Duty: Ghosts presentations. (1:1)

– Sony debuts a new trailer for The Last Guardian… (10:1)

– …then announce it’s release date as “holiday season 2018” (10:1)

Look forward to The Last Guardian, exclusively on the PS5!

– Sony finally lets us see what the PS4 looks like! (2:1)

– For five seconds before a sweat-soaked Mark Cerny runs onto the stage, commands the audience to avert their sinful eyes, stuffs the PS4 down his pants and runs off stage. All PS4s on the E3 show will be hidden inside tasteful velvet “modesty sacks”. (3:1)

– EA will promise their next-gen sports games will take realism to unbelievable new levels. Every blade of grass, gust of wind and imperfection in the field will be accurately rendered. Bleeding edge AI so intelligent you’ll ask it if wants to go for some beers after the game. You know, just to chat. (1:1)

– In order to make room for all this mind-rending, next-gen realism EA will also announce that franchise mode, create a player and, well, any modes aside from Exhibition are being cut from all their next-gen sports games. (1:1)

Also, no more than 3-characters on screen at once. 

– Ubisoft hits us with a new Beyond Good and Evil 2 trailer! (5:1)

– Then reveal it’s a Wii U exclusive. (5:1)

– Oh no, wait, it’s also on the iPhone! (5:1)

Beyond Good and Evil fans burn down the convention centre. (5:1)

– A pile of exclusives for Japanese gamers to love and American gamers to shrug derisively at are announced by Nintendo. Gundam vs. Dragon Quest and Monster Hunter: Ultimate Card Fighters, only on the Wii U! (2:1)

– Nintendo ends its pre-taped E3 presentation with a new Wii U Zelda trailer. Gamers erupt in fury at first sight of the new game’s art style, demanding the title adopt the universally beloved Wind Waker look (because Zelda fans aren’t a terribly self-reflective lot). (3:1)

We love the Wind Waker art syle and we totally always have — Zelda fans. 

– Nintendo surprises everyone by doing a live presentation after all! The excitement of Wii Music 2 just couldn’t be properly conveyed via pre-taped video. (10:1)

– Sony attempts to announce a new slate of PS Vita games, but realizes the system no longer exists. Was the machine just a bad dream all along? (3:1)

– Kotaku writes a withering 3,000-word editorial about the embarrassing, industry tarnishing sexism of E3 “booth babes”. (1:1)

– Kotaku’s most popular E3 article is a booth babe gallery. (1:1)

Let’s have a very thoroughly illustrated discussion about sexism!

– Gabe Newell bursts onto the scene holding a gun to the code for Half-Life Episode 3! He promises to shoot unless every journalist on the show floor writes a story calling the Steam Box a “console killer”, then crashes through a plate glass window and escapes without imparting any information on what the Steam Box looks like, does or costs. (5:1)

– New Smash. Bros. trailer! They’re running a little short on characters — play as the fish from Clu Clu Land! And uh, I dunno, a goomba? Has a goomba been a playable character yet? (2:1)

– The Ouya is there, and Ouya don’t care! Hah! (1:1)

– Rockstar pops in quickly to let everyone know that they’re also having a party across town and hey, Grand Theft Auto V is going to be there. Just sayin’. A dozen people are trampled to death in the ensuing stampede out of E3. (5:1)

Oh, the humanity…

So, those are my very serious predictions. Got a few of your own? Leave a comment and let the world know.

×