Gird Your Loins, Canada: Justin Bieber Will Soon Be To You What Britney Spears Was To Louisiana

03.08.13 20 Comments

Earlier today renowned twatty bro attacked a photographer in London, threatening to “beat the f*ck out of” him, resulting in the hilarious GIF above. This came a day after he collapsed on-stage due to exhaustion, leading to Biebs being hospitalized, and showing up an hour late for a performance the day before that. All this after he sent his death cult after Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney, was photographed running around shirtless all over the place, was seen in public wearing an impossibly stupid hat, was photographed smoking weed, and posted pictures of his ass crack online. If that weren’t enough, he’s also been firing off emo rants left and right on Twitter.

It’s pretty obvious to anyone with firing synapses in the brain that not only is Justin Bieber headed straight towards a public meltdown much like the one Britney Spears had in 2007, he’s on a bullet train to one. Dude is melting down faster than an Arctic glacier. (BTW, have you seen Frozen Planet? It’s amazing!) I can’t wait to see who his Chris Crocker will be!

So you know what this means, right Canada? A source of great pride is about to become a major embarrassment. As a Louisiana guy, I know this feeling all too well. I can vividly remember how my home state gushed with pride when little Britney from Kentwood — a town previously most famous for the water reservoir beneath it — became one of the biggest stars in the world in the late 90s and early 2000s. I can also remember how humiliating it was when she spiraled into the Queen of White Trash a few years later. You guys are about to experience the same emotional roller coaster that we Louisianians experience with Britney. Here’s my advice to you…

1. Tell people that you’re from Idaho or something. Nothing or no one embarrassing comes from Idaho. Conversely, it seems like a pretty badass place to be from. Also, potatoes are cool, no matter what anyone tries to tell you.

2. Celebrate your other treasures, preferably non-human ones. In other words, you guys should be all, “Bieber who? Never heard of him. Here, have some poutine and maple syrup!” I did the same thing with gumbo and etoufee, basically. Oh, and Popeyes too. Really proud of that fried chicken they make over there.

3. Don’t let him back in your country ever again. Seriously, let him spend the rest of his life in L.A., where the douchebags flow like wine. It’s where we sent most of the Spears family.

Seriously though, someone who loves this kid needs to intervene soon before the Bieber train goes off the cliff. Just cancel his tour now, take away his phone and hide him away on an island somewhere for about six months. He is circling the drain.

On the bright side, I, for one, am looking forward to that little sh*t getting a haircut.

(GIF via Buzzfeed)

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