Meet The ‘*sshole’ Hawk That Crashed Through A Bedroom Window And Pooped Everywhere

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This motherfucker.

A post shared by drewnold (@drewnold) on

Imagine sitting in your room one Friday, trolling away on the internet when all of a sudden, a loud crash! Is it the terrorists? No, it’s not the terrorists — it’s a gigantic hawk that just flew through your bedroom window. Fighting terrorists sounds like a more exciting scenario after a zombie run on Call of Duty, but the live bird proved exhilarating enough for Drew Arnold.

Arnold posted a photo of the smiling “*sshole” to Reddit the following day and gave a brief description of what happened:

This *sshole flew through two panes of glass. Shook it off. Destroyed my bedroom. Sh*t on everything he destroyed, and then had the audacity to smile at me as he was being escorted from the premises.

When fellow Redditors questioned Arnold’s account, he satisfied their demanding curiosity with the above Instagram video and a more detailed description:

I was home when he crashed through the window. I had gotten out of bed probably 30 minutes earlier and had just put my corgi out. I thought a tree had fallen through my window or someone was trying to break in (I have bars on the back of my house but not the front). So I got up to go see what was up, saw a bird sitting on my rug looking dazed and confused, slammed the door shut, said “WHAT THE F*CK,” and then called my dad and animal control. It took them about 45 minutes to get to my house and haul him off.

He also uploaded a few more photos in a sizable gallery on Imgur. Highlights include the hawk’s “paint me like one of your French girls” pose:

An animal control worker reminiscent of a certain film reviewer:

And the broken window itself:

But the best exchange came later when Arnold’s constant references to being pantless caught the audience’s attention. Ever the dutiful OP, he provided his questioners with gold-worthy answers:

I know a guy who tried to help a wounded hawk once.

It put him in the hospital for two weeks.

hewlandrower (Arnold):
Which is exactly why I just shut my door and called animal control. My dad was like, “OH HE’S PROLLY NOT THAT BIG, JUST THROW A TOWEL ON HIM AND TAKE HIM OUTSIDE BEFORE HE WAKES UP.”

He failed to realize that the hawk was awake the entire time, and that I didn’t have any pants on.

Wait, he also stole your pants?

hewlandrower (Arnold):
I said he was an *sshole, didn’t I?

Moral of the story? Get bars on the front windows and store an extra pair of pants somewhere in the house. That, or obtain a dog much larger than a corgi and train it for perimeter defense.

(Via Reddit)