Kim Davis Very Accurately Declares That She’s ‘No Hero’

Senior Writer
09.14.15 10 Comments

Not one to shy away from stealing headlines over what she believes is a battle between her conscience and freedom, Rowan County clerk Kim Davis returned to work after spending time in jail for refusing to issue marriage licenses, which is, of course, her elected duty. Flanked by police officers, Mike Huckabee’s new BFF and political hill to die on held a press conference Monday morning and she told a crowd of reporters and people with nothing better to do that while she still refuses to authorize marriage licenses for gay couples, she’s not going to stop her deputy clerks from issuing “an unauthorized license” so people will stop harassing them over what their elected boss started.

Davis admitted that she has “great doubts” that any marriage licenses issued by her deputy clerks are actually valid, so she has gone from being an eagerly defiant antagonist of gay marriage to vaguely dickish, for lack of a better term. Most importantly, and perhaps most accurately, Davis stated, “I’m no hero,” which must have come as a huge shock to her fans, who still have no comprehension of why this lady is so wrong. And once the cameras were turned off, we assume that someone blasted Queen’s “We Will Rock You” on a loud speaker, dropped a giant “MISSION: ACCOMPLISHED” banner over her head, and her overall-wearing husband whisked her away to the official “Kim Davis is Back!” celebration at Huckabee’s mansion.

For more on Davis’ return to work, anchors Tom Storey and Briana Lane weigh in on today’s episode of The Desk.

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