If prestige dramas on HBO are to be believed — and who else are you going to trust? TV Land? — then divorce is the worst thing that any of us could ever go through. You’ve got to deal with the dissolution of your marriage, what you’re gonna tell the kids (if you have any), argue over who gets the house, and try to do everything as amicably as possible (one hopes) while paying lawyers through the nose to do your dirty work. No two ways about it: Divorce sucks.
But you know what sucks even more than the divorce itself? When it turns out that the person you’re consciously uncoupling from is actually hiding some big ole’ secrets you were never supposed to know. And if it weren’t for the lawyers of Reddit, brave legal warriors who are willing to spill the beans on their throwaway accounts, you’d probably be sitting there wondering “I wonder what the worst thing anyone has ever hidden in divorce court” forever. (I mean, if that’s the sort of stuff you ponder.)
Thankfully, though, we’ve got some answers. Here are just a few contenders for the Worst Person On Earth award. Like this woman, who thought she could just get the hell out of dodge after a very fortunate turn of events:
Not a lawyer, but my husband’s uncle (they’re close to the same age) was going through a divorce. His wife had just packed up her stuff and their kids and moved out one day while he was at work. Come to find out, a few weeks before she left, she’d won a $5000 a week for life lottery ticket. And thought she could divorce him without splitting her winnings. That didn’t work out very well for her.
Or this guy, who was a little bit more into loving animals than the average person:
Client is an elderly gentleman, some type of retired professional. His son is a pastor. Everything about his situation seemed very normal in terms of income, property, etc. However, it turns out he had a pretty serious porn hobby and he was concerned his wife might find out and use it against him in the divorce. However, as I mentioned above, I assured him that was pretty run-of-the-mill these days and unlikely to affect anything. He then asks if I feel the same knowing the porn is not “mainstream.” I asked what he means and he looks very nervous. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t referencing CP, so I pushed him on it.
The guy was into goats.
Or this guy, who WON:
The husband in a very high stakes divorce managed to hide two apartment complexes, an ocean-front penthouse in a very expensive city, and an offshore oil rig that were held in two offshore companies that the wife did not know about. It only came out very recently, about two decades later when husband died and left some of that property to their two sons (who were able to see the property histories).
For any type of litigation, the parties exchange written questions as part of discovery. I was reviewing the wife’s answers to her discovery requests, and assisting the husband with answering his questions.
We get to the part where it asks about engaging in extramarital sexual relations. Husband tells me that he recently saw a prostitute, “but don’t worry, it was in Canada, so it’s okay.” I just nodded and took notes.
In going over the wife’s answers, she listed “beastiality” as a factor that lead to the breakdown of the relationship. I asked Husband about this (because I have to know what other issues may come to light), and tells me he got really drunk one night after they separated, called her up and told her he “fucked a goat,” but he swore he didn’t actually do that. I was really professional and kept a straight face during the meeting, but my boss and I laughed about that for ages.
This seems like entirely too much work:
East coast Husband had a listed income of $1.5 MM.
Cheated on wife 10 times.
Almost at the end of the divorce process it was learned that Husband had another family in Seattle, a different name and another $14 MM salary in tech.
His vested stock options under the 2nd identity were worth $214 MM.
How was he discovered living the double life?
Seattle wife posted a picture on Facebook and tagged him with his west coast name. East coast wife similarly posted a photograph of him- the facial recognition assigned him a possible name- his west coast name.
The two wives got in touch.
But wait, there’s more!
He has a wife and family in the Czech Republic and moved there to avoid family court- and is currently being pursued for extradition.
Sometimes admitting defeat is the only way to avoid jail:
So this guy comes into his office saying he needed representation and my buddy who was fresh from law school was willing to take on any paying case. At this point the guy states that he is the victim and his wife blindsided him with divorce paperwork less than a year into their marriage. I guess the dude’s wife had some serious cash and would be flexing some muscle. After a few weeks he gets a call from an arbitrator from the wife’s attorney who set up a meeting and thinking that they were interested in settling in the best interest of the husband. The dude and my buddy show up and I guess things went completely side ways; come to find out the dude had a bunch of nasty secrets he failed to mention which included;
1) A nasty online porn habit that cost him a couple of decent jobs 2) Two kids with another woman that he failed to mention to his wife about and was in the hole for back child support. 3) The biggest one that was the nail in the coffin; wife suspects that the husband was cheating so she checks his phone one night while he is sleeping. Guy was definitely talking to another woman…who happened to be the 15 year old daughter of one of his ex co-workers. These exchanges included lots of nudes. The wife was smart enough to get the explicit texts but not the photos since it would have been distributing child porn.
At this point the husband goes pale white and begins to sweat and the lawyer asks for a minute to speak to him. My buddy asks if any of these are true and the dude is just stammering clearly figuring out that he is screwed. My buddy tells him it is in best interest to just settle and not pursue his wanted settlement. After this is said and done the guy ends up rolling over and admitting defeat. My buddy ended up hiring debt collectors because the dude refused to pay through normal means.
In my dad’s last divorce, it came out that his wife had been having an affair. Throughout her last THREE marriages. It was with her first boyfriend. Who was also her step-brother.
Neither of them wanted to settle, and it ended up coming out in a hearing or trial in front of the court.
But my dad was no angel, and had threatened her with a gun (and beat my mom when they were married), so they both played themselves.
And then there’s this one, which will likely be a made-for-television movie as soon as some Lifetime exec or other gets to this thread:
Guy doesn’t want to break up with his girlfriend, she keeps nagging him about marriage but he doesn’t want to marry her. So he tells her they’ll have a ‘destination wedding’ on a tropical island with a local ceremony and it will be very romantic. And they do. Except he just hired some resort staff to pretend to officiate a marriage ceremony and no marriage contract was ever drawn up. Guy dies years later, ‘wife’ finds out she was never married and is not in the will.