Meet The Notre Dame Bro Who Busted Into A Massage Parlor To Gorge On A Stash Of Hot Pockets

19-year-old Brian McCurren had few regrets when police picked him up from the South Bend, IN massage parlor he had just destroyed the night before. He busted his way into the business, helped himself to the contents of the fridge and proceeded to trash the trash the place like it was his own personal playground. From WNDU:

Late Saturday evening or early Sunday morning, McCurren appears to have attempted to force entry into the day spa through three separate entrances, causing damage to them all.

Sara Ros Frazier, owner of Therapeutic Indulgence, tells NewsCenter 16 that the suspect finally gained access by throwing a flower pot through a stained glass window and crawling through the hole.

“Then he grabbed a hammer and pounded his way through a wall to get inside,” Frazier said. “It’s just so senseless.”

Once inside, the evidence of vandalism includes broken lamps, mirrors, furniture and other day spa equipment. It appears the suspect also began spraying a fire extinguisher throughout the building.

And that doesn’t even cover the point he made it to the kitchen. That’s when the destructive behavior took a very dark turn. From ABC 57:

“I guess he got hungry and found his way up to the kitchen that we have as a break room and he got out mac-and-cheese and Hot Pockets that looked good and finished it off with the drumsticks that he was found passed out on,” said Frazier.

Charred mac-and-cheese set off the fire alarm.

“The police actually pulled it out and threw it in the sink because it was so toasted, but he was sleeping through the fire alarm and everything. He could have burned the house down. Thankfully we had someone coming in here,” Frazier said.

A moment of silence for that mac and cheese, please. The loss of it’s cheesy goodness was probably the greatest of the crimes reported here.  A list of acts that McCurren showed little remorse for committing:

South Bend Police tell NewsCenter 16 that McCurren was still intoxicated in the morning, blowing a .106 in a standard breath test.

“What really burned me the most was he wasn’t apologetic when he came down the stairs,” Frazier said. “You would think, even if you were that out of it when you come down, you’re coming down in cuffs… but he just had a smile on his face.” (via)

No word on any further punishment at this point, but you have to think he was in hell after eating all that food on top of all of that alcohol. If anything, I hope he has to give massages in jail or the burn ward. Either place would provide fitting punishment.

(Via WNDU / ABC 57)