There’s a new Tumblr called Emojinalysis, a.k.a. my new most favorite thing ever, that will psychoanalyze you based upon your most recently used emojis. The project is the brainchild of copywriter Dan Brill, who — totally out of the kindness of his own heart — will “tell you what’s wrong with you life” if you send him a screenshot, your name and age.
Here’s a sampling of his most recent work:
Subject 29: Anne, 19
Hi, “Anne.” Let’s get this out of the way up front. You’re clearly a dude running some sort of shady Eastern European identity scam, right? The bottom row alone (Busts in silhouette, Free/New/Cool symbols, Heart with arrow) could literally be the outline for a bad John Grisham novel. Let me guess, your front is an online dating site for the swine-curious called “Porkers”? Punch yourself twice if I’m right.
Diagnostic emoji: Money with wings
Prescribed emoji: Wrapped present + Pile of poop
Subject 28: Kate, 26
Listen, we’ve all pointed a Gun at a Birthday Cake at some point in our lives. But in the presence of Japanese ogre, Confounded face and Weary cat? This must be what it looks like when the coke runs out at a Charlie Sheen party. I must admit, the transition of Heart-shaped eyes face/cat into Crying face/cat is quite a powerful story. And the moral of that story is you’re a fucking lunatic.
Diagnostic emoji: Police cars revolving light
Prescribed emoji: Ticket + Airplane
Subject 26: Elizabeth, 28
OK so I think you might actually be the IRL version of Drunk in Love? You been drinkin, one martini. Paired with this sugar Candy, Cookie, baby I’m worried about you. Na-na. TOOOO MUCH LOOOOVE. Did you text Hearts all night? (Love, love) Text Hearts all night? (Love, love) I bet you woke up in a kitchen sayin’ how the hell did these emojis happen? Oh baby.
Diagnostic emoji: Crown
Prescribed emoji: Smoking symbol + Snowflake (Cigars on ice)
Subject 23: Taryn, 21
You’re so young, Taryn. I worry that you’re rushing into things. Love. Marriage. Alcohol. Shooting people and lighting shit on fire. I know, I know, #YOLO. But how about trying #EMOJO for a change? (Everything’s Menacing, Oppose Jeopardizing Opportunities.) You think Police Officer is all smiles outside of emojiland? Go binge Orange is the New Black and get back to me.
Diagnostic emoji: Party popper
Prescribed emoji: Television
And yes, if you’re wondering, that is my own personal most recently used emoji screen in the header image, which I did send in and may or may not share depending on the results if he posts them. Because honestly, I don’t even remember ever using the cigarette, pill or needle — so I feel like my phone may be trying to somehow slander my good name. The poop, cat and food emojis, though? Guilty as charged.
Subject 33: Stacey, 36
OK so this is basically Emoji: Vice City. Cookie. Cigarette. Poultry Leg. Shortcake. Freaking Pizza. Three boozimojis. Holy shit, Stacey. I’m getting full Ron Burgundy here. I’d be lying if I didn’t say the Pill and Syringe concerned me a bit, but fuck it, you’re essentially the most amazing person on Earth. Teach me how to emoji, Stacey, teach me how to emoji.
Diagnostic emoji: Clapping hands sign x 1,000
Prescribed emoji: Ring (Marry me)