Being a parent in the digital age must be terrifying. Whereas once upon a time, kids had to go to mom and dad to ask life’s biggest and most important questions, youngsters nowadays have magical screens in front of them to unlock the various mysteries of the universe. But because kids are also dumb, one thing they never think to Google is “how do I clear my browser history?”
Hence, this is how these tales from Reddit came about, after someone raised the question: “Parents who have checked their child’s internet history, what is the weirdest or most screwed-up thing you’ve found on it?” The answers may sway childless couples against procreating for good and make people who already have kids pull a Ron Swanson with their kids technology.
Here are some of the funnest and most disturbing answers, starting with CrimsonRainCR, who has a daughter possibly interested in a future in politics?
My kid looked up Ruth Ginsburg naked, Clinton naked, Hillary Clinton naked, followed by Spongebob, Lyrics Life On Mars, ending with Condo Lisa Rice naked. Needless to say there was no more internet for her, still trying to figure out why she wanted to see those people of all people naked, but we can’t talk about that, too weird.
Coogcheese here made an interesting find, and nope nope nope nope nope:
Lego porn. I sh*t you not. Stop-motion sex scenes complete with money shots.
We have to commend the parenting skills of tenclubber:
My son is 16 now so this was about 4 years ago. I had got a new tablet and he had gotten in the habit of taking it into his room to play games on.
I got curious one day and looked at the search history. “Pokemon cheat code”, “halo map”, “big boobies”, “dick suck”, “minecraft”…
It was such an odd mix I had to laugh. I bookmarked some sites that he could look at that weren’t hardcore porn…SI Swimsuit site, etc. I let him know he could look at these and it was ok. The last few years he’s had his own laptop and I really don’t even bother anymore. Trying to control a teenage boy’s masturbatory habits is the definition of fighting a losing battle.
It’s safe to say OMFGORLY is probably never having kids after hearing this:
Not me, but my boss told me a story of his 8-year-old son’s youtube history. Apparently he would take the ipad and just watch videos of Asian children crying for hours on end.
Whereas little boys have more, shall we say, eclectic tastes, little girls tend to romanticize their favorite animated characters in weird and sometimes unsettling ways, like abacon4’s weird-ass kid, here:
Stepdaughter was into Ninja Turtles for a while. She would read fan fiction and role play with some random people. She would pretend to be pregnant with turtle babies (triplets) and another time she was one of the ninja turtles having gay sex with another turtle. A direct quote was “I rub my dick on your dick and moan lightly.” There are somethings you do not need to find.
Thankfully _Goose_ has a daughter with a bit more traditional of intentions:
My daughter was googling to see if you could marry cartoon characters. She has been obsessed with Flynn from Tangled ever since the first time she watched it.
Some kids get sabotaged not by passwords or firewalls, but by their own spelling limitations, like Wisdom_Of_A_Man’s kid, here:
My ten year old googled, ‘sexy fagina.’ His spelling is atrocious.
Same goes with josh_the_misanthrope’s kid:
5-year-old looked up on youtube when I wasn’t around for “fijina videos” and “pepe videos”. And he didn’t mean rare pepes.
And here’s another from MegaGuy28 whose son also got things a bit lost in translation:
I looked at the Internet history on the home computer to find “how to fist people”. I confronted my son about it and he told me that somebody upset him at school and he wanted to “fist him”. He got suspended from school the next day for “fisting” a kid in the face. I laughed continuously for the next 10 minutes thereafter.
Delnorteduck had better keep an eye on this one, is all I’m saying:
My son looked up “screaming f*cking bitches.” He was 11 at the time. Not ordinary f*cking bitches. The screaming kind.
In closing, it’s better to be safe rather than sorry and just keep your kids locked in the basement until they turn 18. You’re welcome.