These People Jerked Their Own Chains In ‘Awesome’ Ways, But Don’t Try This Alone


Reddit has been keeping it clean albeit mildly informative lately, much to the dismay of those who wish to be entertained by other people’s confessed, R-rated exploits. Thankfully, a return to form is rarely far away, and Reddit brings it home with these tales of masturbation madness.

When it comes to this subject, many people are simply willing to get the job done. After all, there’s no partner to impress, so why bother pulling out the stops? As it turns out, these Redditors got pretty creative with themselves. Are all of these tales true? You be the judge.

To kick things off, TheyDeletedMe became overwhelmed in the face of the eye of a hurricane. In a potentially life or death situation, he had priorities:

“I once jerked it in the eye of a hurricane, outside and at night. There’s really no grand story behind it, other than I went outside because it had been the only time in a while where it wasn’t stormy. The urge just came over me. I sat down on a bench and ejaculated right at God’s fury.”

FreepostPlus summered in Maui, and his roommate gave him a chocolate-covered mushroom, which inspired some “solitude” and literal tree hugging:

“Behind our bunk house, there were a ton a trails through the woods that were on their lot. It began raining, and for some reason, I decided that I needed to be naked in order to feel the rain and the darkness in the woods. I stripped, and started walking barefoot through the trails. I’m not going to lie, it got pretty weird. I was kissing and hugging trees and enjoying the Maui views. At a certain point, nature must have gotten me pretty excited, and I knew I needed some release. I found an area, gripped a tree with one hand, while pounding off in the other. That will forever go down as one of my favourite memories to date.”

The self-proclaimed “MacGyver of masturbation,” Vargas, kept it clever when trying to conceal his teenage habits from his Mormon family:

“Despite only being allowed to sport jehrie curls, my scholastic faptitude was unparalleled. For example, one time I jerked off using nothing but some Neutrogena, a sock, a pear, yo-yo, and a National Geographic from 1972. Another time it was a shoelace, a crescent wrench, some microwaved silly putty, and a dashboard hula girl. Whatever it was I cobbled together, it always got the job done. In fact, I was a little too good at it. Ended up needing Tommy John surgery when I was only 13.”

Whereas EraserDust doesn’t work too hard, but still gets the job done:

“I can orgasm by just tensing my thigh and butt muscles so I guess that’s a pretty awesome way of masturbating. I really don’t know what to say when people ask me why only my thighs and butt are toned.”

Likewise, Icyfoil doesn’t require any complicated accessories to get the job done.

“I got a latex glove, two sponges, a Pringles can and a sh*t ton of lotion. 9/10 would recommend.”

SedativeCourse focused pretty hard on alternating hot-and-cool sensations:

“I used to get into a sleeping bag naked, and bash the bishop as hard and furiously as I could, trying to generate as much heat as possible for as long as possible. When I would finish and unzip myself the combination of the inrush of cool air and having just ejaculated may be the most satisfying and refreshing thing I can remember. I stopped doing this after I passed out upon standing after finishing once.”

AnonymousTidder and Batraxin combine their joint exploits while driving:

“I’ve jerked off while driving. It just became 2 fast 2 furious. … Gotta say I’ve done this a lot. Used to make a 2-hour trip multiple times a week and sometimes it’d be late and I’d be on no sleep. Jackin keeps you awake, but beware, get off and you’re even more tired than before.”

Ms. LikeEggs really should have washed the toy first, but who’s to judge?

“Bought my first vibrator with my boyfriend, now husband, a few years ago and got really excited and had to use it ASAP. Bought some C batteries from 7-Eleven and proceeded to use it parked across the street from a pretty busy diner downtown. Once I was done we got milkshakes!”

When it comes down to it, the Woody Allen quote about sex being like pizza (it’s always good) fits the mood of this thread, so one jerk is as good as another for TokedALot:

“With my hand, in my bed, under the covers with the lights off. I was thinking about my crush.”

And if you so dare, one user claimed to use a flea infestation to his advantage. Oh, that one burns.

(Via Reddit)