Sometimes, having a roommate is great! They’re around to talk when you need them, will put the dishes away when they’re dry, and are a convenient shield should a serial killer stop by your apartment for a spot of murder. But sometimes, roommates are awful. They use your cups as sex toys, drive you insane with their music (actually much worse than using your cups as sex toys), and date people who aren’t just eccentric, but will actually threaten to burn your house down while their friends steal over $6,000 from your safe. Do these things really happen? According to one Imgur user, everything you’ve just read about is going down right now. (But not the cups thing, that is a separate story and I’m sorry I’m still not over it.)
Meet Colourus, a dude who just wanted to have a sexy party with his girlfriend when his roommate’s lady decided that she wasn’t having any of it and tried to kick them both out. Even though she doesn’t live in the house and has no say! And what happens when she doesn’t get her way? Oh, ho ho ho! Strap yourself in, friend, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
Let’s join the story, already in progress:
Guy tells his partner that she is overreacting and needs to leave us alone because she doesn’t live here, when all of a sudden she stares down my girlfriend and started to pounce when she tripped over her own feet and face planted and embarrassed the mess out of herself. She then proceeded to run into the kitchen where Guy followed her. After a fat minute where me and my SO just waited about awkwardly, we overhear Guy’s girl say that she has been cheating on him with her boss out of rage (or something it was weird how she brought it up out of the blue).
What would you do in this situation? If your response is “uh, just tell her to get out herself,” you’d be right. But here’s where the story takes an interesting twist:
After she was told to leave she locked herself in his room and hasn’t came out, we are all waiting on her to come out, we have been chatting through the door with her trying to calm her down but she is going crazy. She is also threatening to burn down our place with a lighter she found in Guy’s room.
Rule number one: Try not to date people who threaten to burn your house down. Rule number two: If you must date someone who’s going to threaten to burn your house down (and those people are sometimes easy to spot even pre-threat), never just leave a lighter laying around as if it won’t be used for the purpose of turning your house into an ashy wreck.
But that’s not the end. You see, Colourus was so freaked out by his roommate’s girlfriend that he left the house and went to a hotel, only to return to see something far, far darker than his house burnt to a crisp:
…disregarding Guy’s warning to stay home [at the hotel] I finish driving to my house, and I find that my house is fine. At this point I’m super confused and I pick up my phone to dial up Guy, when I see my door open and 3 girls walk out of my house, I couldn’t make out who they were because it was late at night and I didn’t have my glasses on. 3 Girls? where did they come from and was Crazy one of them? I needed answers, so I called Guy and told him what I just saw.
But wait: Was this a scam and was the roommate in on the ruse? Could this just be an episode of Jason Mantzoukas’ ill-fated and very cruel prank show?
so I rang up Guy and he tells me he got Crazy out of the house and they are on a walk.. at basically 1 A.M? That’s sketchier than any sketchbook. I hop outta my car and walk to my house after the 3 girls drive away and look for anything that was stolen while my roommate was gone. I check rooms S.W.A.T team style and look for anything out of place. When I get close to Guy’s room I can hear a sound that sounds vaguely similar to someone rummaging around, so as of instinct I ran back to the kitchen to arm myself and all I could find was a small kitchen knife. So I sneak back in front of guys door, filled with a ton of adrenaline….
So I busted through the door only to be met with Guy laying down some pipe to Crazy, and I immediately bust up laughing. I immediately realize where I am and I back out of the room while saying how sorry I was.
Our house has a little safe me and Guy use to store some cash, a couple of documents, and a small gun incase situations like this go down. The problem is we have never actually locked the safe with a different code than 1-2-3-4 ( Incredibly stupid on our part ). So I’m checking around the house for stolen things and then I remember the safe and check on it.
Safe was open and all of the contents were gone, Gun, Cash and Legal Documents… Now I know these 3 girls have A) Our gun B) About $6000 in cash C) A lot of important shit for me and Guy.
Colourus called the cops, but no one has any idea what to do. The main theory right now is that the roommate just wanted the money and is splitting it with his gal and her friends. If that’s the case, $6,000 might be a cheap price to pay for being rid of the roommate, his girlfriend, and whatever else madcap schemes they’ve come up with. Right? (No, actually $6,000 is a lot of money. Let’s hope they decide to settle this on Judge Judy.)