The Internet Will Never Approve Of The ‘Total Recall’ Remake: A Dissection

When I attended the Total Recall panel at Comic-Con a couple of weeks back I found myself thinking over and over again: “You guys seem nice. The internet will never accept this.”

I mean, “remake” is the obvious strike one. But it’s more than that. It’s not that they’ve simply remade a movie that people like. No, it’s much worse. They’ve remade a movie that people like ironically. It’s like an actor deciding to model their career after Nicolas Cage’s. It simply should not be attempted.

Now none of this is to say it won’t perform at the box office. The new flick looks to be chocked full of butts and ‘splosions, so it will more than likely play well with the movie-going contingent responsible for the assembly line of Fast and Furious movies, but even the inclusion of a three-boobed hooker (they aren’t real?!?!) isn’t nearly enough enough to get the collective internet on board. Here are five reasons why…

#1: There Won’t Be These Faces

I’ve never once written about Total Recall without including one of these images. And I’m pretty sure the only reason I wrote about the movie to begin with was an excuse to work in one of these images.

#2: Colin Farrell Is Too Self-Aware To Make The Necessary DVD Commentary

Last year we had our collective minds’ blown after being introduced to the greatest DVD commentary in the history of DVD commentaries: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Total Recall DVD commentary.

Embedding has since been enabled, presumably because too many people were developing permanent Total Recall face after viewing. Watch it here.

#3: Walter White Is Not The Villain

Bryan Cranston is the best. No one denies this. And while casting him as Cohaagen is nice, it would take him informing Douglas Quaid, “I AM THE DANGER” while get naughty below a desk with Kate Beckinsale to properly move the needle.

#4: The Original Broke All The Glass In Hollywood

True story. That’s why they have to use so much green screen now. Embedding also disabled. GRRRRR. Relevant GIF in it’s place:

#5: It’s PG-13

Not only are the three-boobed hooker’s three boobs covered, but the “MAKE OUT” moment between Beckinsale and Biel that would certainly find a home on the world wide web is definitely not happening. And it was really the only hope.