The (Offseason!) Adventures of Joe Flacco and Matt Schaub, Episode 1: Stop Thief!

04.07.15 3 years ago 28 Comments

MATT SCHAUB: That was some good ice cream Joe!

JOE FLACCO: Darn good.

SCHAUB: I’m ready for some fun! What do you say me and you head back to camp and do wind sprints for three hours? Season’s only six months away!

FLACCO: Sounds good to me! *both high five*

SCHAUB: Joe look! Your car’s gone!

FLACCO: There it is speeding out of the parking lot! Some guy with an evil curly mustache is driving it! My wife and three kids are in there!

SCHAUB: Hop in my car Joe, we’ll chase ’em down!

FLACCO: Oh I don’t think so Matt, we need to head down to the police station to file a report!

*later, at the police station*

FLACCO: Alright, Matt, we’ve got no time to lose. I’m going to start filling out the Lost Property and Theft forms. You go through this binder of Allstate forms that I keep on me at all times to find Form 8-G837 in order to start the claims process.

SCHAUB: On it!

FLACCO: Ah yes, don’t forget the kidnapping charge. Four counts! This guy is going to be in paperwork so deep he won’t have any free time for months.

*both high five*

FLACCO: OK, so I’m just going to take these forms and … NO MATT STOOOOPPPP!!!!! *slaps the papers out of Schaub’s hands*

SCHAUB: What is it Joe?

FLACCO: That’s a Form 8-G836! It deals with cars with V6 engines and mine has a V8! If you would have filed that form, our claim could have been delayed 4-6 weeks and cost us a $25 refiling fee!

SCHAUB: Oh my god, I’m so sorry Joe. I can’t believe I was so careless!

*phone rings*

FLACCO: It’s my wife Dana! *answers the phone*

DANA: JOE! JOE! WE’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED! THIS MAN IS DRIVING LIKE A CRAZY PERSON! HE’S CUTTING IN AND OUT OF TRAFFIC! THE KIDS ARE CRYING! HE SAYS HE’LL KILL US IF WE DON’T SHUT UP! OH GOD JOE PLEASE HELP!!!

FLACCO: Alright honey calm down! I’ve got everything under control. Now I want you to listen to me very carefully. Do everything that I tell you, EXACTLY. Do you understand?

DANA: YES, YES, JUST PLEASE HELP!!

FLACCO: OK, is he paying attention to you?

DANA: NO HE’S SWERVING ALL OVER THE ROAD, TWO COPS ARE BEHIND HIM!

FLACCO: I want you to slowly reach down …

DANA: YES!

FLACCO: … open up the glove department …

DANA: OK! OK I’M OPENING IT!

FLACCO: … pull out the registration card …

DANA: PULLING IT OUT NOW!

FLACCO: … and read me the VIN number.

DANA: WHY DO YOU NEED THAT?

FLACCO: Allstate requires it or the claims process could drag into May.

DANA: WHO CARES ABOUT THE FUCKING CAR! HELLLLLPPPPP!!! HEEEE–

KIDNAPPER: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?!?!

FLACCO: This is Joe, Dana’s husband. And Matt Schaub.

SCHAUB: Hi!

*click*

FLACCO: Gosh darn it! Alright, I’ll need to get the VIN number from the Department of Motor Vehicles. Matt, give them a call right away. If you wait until 4 p.m. their line tends to get busy and you’ll be on hold for a long time!

SCHAUB: You got it!

*phone rings again*

FLACCO: It’s the police! Hello?

OFFICER: Sir, we have apprehended a man who has apparently kidnapped your wife and kids. He is in custody. Your family is fine, but shaken up.

FLACCO: Excellent news! What about the car?

OFFICER: Right fender was smashed up a bit when it sideswiped a tree. We have some paperwork for you to fill out at the station.

FLACCO: Hot dog! *hangs up* Hey Matt, you free tonight?

SCHAUB: Am I!

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