Tucker Carlson Cannot Stop Talking About Nicki Minaj’s Cousin’s Friend’s Swollen Testicles

Tucker Carlson has got swollen testicles on the brain. No, it’s not a neurological condition; but ever since Nicki Minaj tweeted about her mysterious “cousin’s friend” whose ball sack reportedly did not like whatever was in the COVID vaccine, Carlson can’t stop talking about this poor man’s scrotum.

His testicular fixation began on Monday night when he read aloud a tweet in which Minaj told a story about some poor dude’s junk:

While there didn’t seem to be much more left to say, Carlson found plenty of ways to turn this into a continuing story. On Tuesday night he was back on Swollen Balls patrol, correcting a misunderstanding on his part: “Last night… suggested that Nick Minaj’s cousin is the one with the swollen testicles in Trinidad. And we were wrong and we want to admit it. We henceforth correct the record. Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s testicles are not swollen. As far as we know, he’s fine. It’s Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s testicles who are swollen.”

Glad we cleared that up—as I’m sure Nicki Minaj’s cousin and his balls are.

Carlson brought on Candace Owens, of all people, to whom he admitted that “My total knowledge of Nicki Minaj is right around zero.” (No sh*t.) “So I have no idea what Nicki Minaj thinks of anything else. But I know when someone is not intimidated, and this woman is not intimidated… And it’s just so interesting and heartening to see someone who’s not afraid in America. There are still a few. I guess it’s left to a rapper from Queens, but good for her.”

Sounds a bit racist, but moving on…

Things then took a more serious tone when a much more somber Carlson addressed the cousin’s friend with the swollen testicles directly, and implored him to consider being a guest on the Fox News show.

“We haven’t been able to figure out if this show is broadcast in Trinidad, but if Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend is watching—or his former fiancée is watching—we want to hear your story. We’ll come to Port of Spain to see you. Let us know.”

If all goes well, who knows: Maybe Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s inflamed meat clackers could get a Fox News show of their very own.