Want To Feel Like A Virgin Again? Then This Fake Hymen Is For You.

It was the summer of 1993. You and Johnny had been going out for seven months. It was a long enough time. You were ready. So, one night, after catching a screening of The Beverly Hillbillies, you and him drove to Cherrybreak Ridge. That’s where it happened, in the back of your mom’s Land Cruiser. It hurt, but not as much as when, two weeks later, Johnny broke up with you, for that BITCH Jenny. Jenny and Johnny: it’s so cute you could vomit.

You wish you could do it again, and now you can, with an artificial hymen. SCIENCE.

Restore your virginity in five minutes with this new technologically advanced product. Kiss your deep dark secret goodbye and marry in confidence for only $29.95 … no surgery … no needles … no medication … no side effects … only $29.95…FREE worldwide discreet delivery sent upon your payment!!!

How discreet?

Items are packaged in a plain envelope or box with an attached mail-label declaring the contents as ‘Make-up Kit’ and the Sender as ‘Magazines Online’

Phew. But how does it work?

Insert the Artificial Hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrates, it will ooze out a liquid that appears like blood, not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans and you will pass through undetectable! It’s easy to use, clinically proven non-toxic to human and has no side effects, no pain to use and no allergic reaction.

That doesn’t sound awful at all. Joke’s on you, Johnny, now that I’ve SCIENCE in my vagina. What a great stocking stuffer this could make! (No pun intended.)

(Via Dangerous Minds, via Hymen Shop)