We Found Your Next Craigslist Roommate For You, People Of San Francisco

This is either a great fake Craigslist ad, or a brilliant attempt to make a Craigslist housing solicitation stand out from all the others. I don’t care if the guy went to Auburn (typically a Titanic obstacle that impedes me from having any sort of respectful human relationship with a person), if I lived in San Francisco I’d totally invite this guy to come live with me. Vince?

Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass f*cking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You f*cking found him. I’m a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York F*cking City. That’s right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky sh*t-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post sh*t like this on Craigslist.

Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no f*cking clue where to live. Honestly, I’m moving there in 3 weeks, so I don’t give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.

Oh, it gets better.

A bit about me: I’m respectful, quiet, clean and I won’t bother any of your sh*t. If you leave sh*t out, I’m just like, “Oh f*ck I better not mess with this sh*t, because it’s not mine.” I turn off lights. I clean toilets. F*ck it. I’ll even cook for you. That’s right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I’ll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that sh*t in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don’t eat meat? That’s f*cking FANTASTIC! I’ll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your f*cking socks off.

I also read a lot. I f*cking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that sh*t. I read Tuesday’s with Morrie the other day. It’s a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. F*cking smart. Do you like movies? I f*cking love them. We can watch the sh*t out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don’t have to talk to you at all. It’s completely UP TO YOU!

Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE F*CK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I’ll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James F*cking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA!

A lot of people ask me, “Hey, you’re from Alabama. Are you racist?” And, the answer to that question is, no. I’m not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I’m a secular humanist. I F*CKING LOVE PEOPLE. That’s the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty f*cking cool right?

I own almost nothing! I’m driving my car from Alabama to California in which I’ll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a sh*tload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you’d like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I’m the most considerate person you’ve ever met. I’m offering to buy you shit already!

Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic as$ I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I’m taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I’ll hook yo as$ up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I’d like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your f*cking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I’m ready to give you money.

You’re welcome! (Thanks for the tip, Rob!)

(Auburn frat boy dance pic via Tigerdroppings)