Endorsement deals can score an athlete millions of dollars. Of course, such are relegated to shoes and clothing, but in the name of branching out with their branding, why don’t NBA players sign with booze companies?
Okay, it’ll probably never happen. They’re role models, no matter what Charles Barkley says. If the taboo ever goes away, here’s some pairings of players and alcoholic beverages that might make some marketing sense.
LeBron James – Hennessy
Fit for a King. He’s smooth and pricey, but you know what you’re getting and you know it’ll be damn good. Sometimes people will criticize him for cheap branding tactics based on looks alone (or how many times he gets mentioned by his rapper friends in their songs), but when it comes down to it, he’s going to impress. Simply put, people will judge others who drink him, but if brought to your place, you’re bound to enjoy it. Don’t lie.
Derrick Rose – Grey Goose
He doesn’t talk much because he really has little to say, but when it’s time to go to work, there’s no doubt he’ll get the job done. And while he fits the mold of many other players of his kind with his brashness, effectiveness and flashiness, he’s not your average point guard – he’s top notch.
Ron Artest – Four Loko
You never know what to expect when you roll with him. But you know that if you give him a chance, nothing will turn out bland or boring. Some days he might make you want forget what happens, other times you might actually forget. But three out of every 10 times, the evening will be spectacular. And that’s good enough to keep him around.
Steve Nash – Canadian Club Reserve Whiskey
He’s actually quite the value in terms of money, and he’s as lovable as any Canadian. How can you hate him? Never will he say a bad word, never will the effort be questioned. And because of those traits, you can mix him up with anything, and he’ll figure out a way to go well with it. Sure, he’s aged a little bit, but in this case it’s a good thing.
Mike Bibby – O’Doul’s
It’s a ploy. He looks good on paper while working next to some other talented prospects (see Hennessy), but once you put him in action, you realize he’s just a place-holder, there to make it appear that you’ve got something that you don’t. No matter how many attempts he takes, he just won’t get the job done.
Kobe Bryant – Patron Silver
The goal: Get up shots – lots of them – and don’t let them come back out. He’s a smooth operator, and he wants to get somewhere. He wants to win, and shots of less quality aren’t going to go well for the opponents. Quality and quantity come together with Kobe. That means winning.
Brian Scalabrine – Keystone Light
Very popular but not necessarily good. You can’t hate him, though, because when it’s the end of the night and you’ve either done work or failed miserably, you can rely on him to get off the bench, ice cold, and make things just a little bit better.
Dirk Nowitzki – German Car Bomb
He’s massive, yet efficient. Nowitzki doesn’t need many shots, just a couple of heavy-hitting bombs to help his team get where it wants to go. But he can’t do it all alone. You’ve got to get some other contributors because let’s face it, nobody can succeed with just car bombs.
Kevin Garnett – 1989 Beaucastel Hommage Jacques A. Perrin with a defective cork
He’s the best of the best. Nobody can question his quality and nobody can test his aged greatness. He’s valued very highly, but perhaps the peak of his time was a year or two ago. Wait, did he age too much? Did he spend too much time out of a cool, settled place? The best years are behind him; enjoy it while it lasts.
Chris Andersen – Ed Hardy Vodka
Not much for taste, he sure has a lot of flash. This includes a colorfully-packaged array of tattoos without much substance. Not particularly smooth, a little bit of him won’t hurt. At a certain limit though, you might want to put the artistically-infused away for someone that can get more done. If you don’t have anything else available, you might be in for a long night sticking with him.
What are some other pairings of NBA players and alcoholic beverages that might make some marketing sense?
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