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DimeBag: The Weekly Dime Mailbag, Volume V

By 09.21.11

Alexander, Topeka:

How many more shapes can a pretzel take?

I was at the Giants game against the Rams on Monday Night Football. Being a Giants fan, I was pretty pleased with the result. But as a pretzel fanatic, I was pissed. It was the end of the first quarter and I was pretty hungry but I didn’t want to miss any action. Luckily the pretzel guy walked right by and I waved him down. So I paid the $6.50 and received my doughy/salty delight.

Before we delve into the shape, a moment on the price. I know stadium prices are out of control, but that 50 cents is pretty conniving. The guy asked me if I wanted the change because he knew I didn’t. Change sucks. It floats around in your pocket and flies out when you grab your wallet, and then you’re pissed that you lost money. I wish it were socially acceptable to have change pockets in men’s wallets. This is reason No. 457 why societal convention sucks.

Okay, back to the pretzel shapes. I thought I had it seen it all – both in soft and hard pretzels. (Is it just me, or did this just get weirdly sexual? Elephants. GOTCHYA.) Then I got this one, and it had the classic twist but was shaped like a hot dog. It actually made it easy to eat, because I could easily rip off pieces without droves of salt destroying the sanctity of my lap.

Quick pretzel related side-story. I grew up in New York City, where pretzels are literally on every corner. Once upon a time, when the 2000s hadn’t flushed the economy down the toilet yet, pretzels were $1.25. I was sitting in the backseat of the family car as my mom drove me home from somewhere I can’t remember. Being the obnoxious, didn’t-care-that-we-were-in-a-car child that I was, I demanded a pretzel. After initially saying no, my mom pulled up to a red light where a pretzel/hot dog cart was parked on the corner. My mom waved the guy over, ordered a pretzel and gave it me. Looking back, that was a pretty boss move. But it gets better. The guy said, “$2.00 please.” My mom was outraged, handed him a dollar bill, and drove away. The greatest pretzel stand hit and run of all time.

Anyway, here are a few more pretzel shape ideas I have.

1. The pizza pretzel – You know how you can order a personal pizza at some pizza places? You should be able to order a pizza pretzel, which is just a circular pretzel shaped like a pizza.

2. The sword pretzel – I want a seriously sharp edge. You’d start eating from the handle and work your way towards the tip of the blade. Even better, you’d go through the stages of sharp objects: Sword, knife, dagger, shiv, box cutter. Pretty sweet. Plus, if anyone tries to ask for a bite or a rip (I hate that, by the way. Get your own food. And no, I never ask for a bite. Then I’d be a raging hypocrite.), you can ward them off with your sword/knife/dagger/shiv/box cutter.

3. Stuffed-crust pretzel – Okay, so this isn’t a shape, but I want it. It’d be a pretzel in any shape, except the salt would be baked into the dough so you wouldn’t see the salt grains anywhere. If pizzas can hide cheese, pretzels can hide salt. Think about how happy you’d be if you ate a piece of bread, then tasted salt and realized you had a pretzel instead. Pretty damn excited is right. Even more, you wouldn’t have to wipe the extra salt off or worry about it getting all over you.

Jonathan, St. Louis, MO:

You’re building a team to win a championship. This season. Money is no object. There’s no salary cap, no mid-level exception, nothing. You already have your starting five, sixth man, and even a few grizzled vets that are more than ready to use their allotted six fouls. If you could sign any incoming rookie for that run, who would it be and why?

Jon Diebler, for a number of reasons. First and foremost, he won’t complain about playing time. No white three-point shooter with limited skill and defensive capability complains about playing time. Just being on the roster is good enough. Secondly, he’ll whip that sweat towel and chest bump everyone from the bench with pride. He’ll need to be in the good graces of those stars if he wants to make the team again next year, so he’ll be the No. 1 cheerleader. Hopefully he’ll also pull the “I’m going to look in on the huddle as if this applies to me.” Thirdly, he’ll limit suicides in practice. If he gets chosen to take the free throw or suicide shot, he’ll nail it more often than not. Lastly, he’ll work hard in practice. He’ll force the stars to buckle down and take every day seriously. It may resemble Peja Stojakovic being abused, kicked and spat on by every Miami player, but Diebler will be annoying at the least.

That’s all for this week. Check back next Wednesday for Volume VI.

HOW TO SUBMIT: E-mail with your question/story/idea and include your name and hometown. If you really insist on being a sketchy anonymous Internet weirdo, I guess I can’t stop you. So at least provide some sort of name and location.

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