Ben Affleck lawst his fackin’ jawb ova heah

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07.21.10 23 Comments

The Company Men played to largely positive reviews at Sundance (I couldn’t get in so I saw Winter’s Bone instead, which was probably better anyway), and The Weinstein Company finally released a trailer. From the looks of it, ol’ Ben Affleck’s gettin’ downsized.  One day he’s all, “Eh Tawmmy Lee Jones, check me out, I shawt an eighty fo-ah this mawnin.  It’s my new cawss rekid!”  But then his boss is all like, “Sorry, Bawbby, ya fackin’ fiyuhd ovah heah.  No offense a nuttin.  We been makin’ some hahd fackin’ cutbacks in these pahts.  ”

And then Ben Affleck is all like, “Oh gawd, I lost my fackin’ jawb?  I’m such a losah!  I wish I could stawp cryin’ like so much of a queah!  Now I’m gonna hafta go be a cahpentah wit’ Kevin Costnah, my wife’s fackin’ hahd on brothah.  Hey, what’s goin’ on, is my accent gettin’ thickah ova heah?”  And then BOOM! the tagline:

“In America we give our lives to our jobs.  This fall… it’s time to take them back.”

“Hey, jawb: ya think ya bettah den me? Yoah retahded.  I’ll downsize ya mothah. I’m fackin’ Ben Affleck, how ya like them apples?  GO SAWX.”

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Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator.

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