09.05.08 9 years ago 75 Comments

Oh god, please just take the money and let me go.


Opening today is Everybody Wants To Be Italian (link goes to the trailer), which is about a “lovelorn fishmonger” who has been obsessed with his ex-girlfriend (now married with three kids) for the past eight years.  His friends set him up on a blind date with an Italian-American girl, so he pretends to be Italian, too.  

This is a romantic comedy, but they missed a perfect opportunity for a horror movie.  Lovelorn fishmonger obsesses over one girl for eight years, then decides the first new girl he dates — a woman he has not yet seen — will be his true love if he just arbitrarily pretends to be someone he’s not.  That’s a horror movie.  That’s a guy that kidnaps women and takes them out to sea to be his fishwife, then bones them, then debones them, then discards their remains to wash up on the beach. They could call the movie Guido Beach.


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