Not opinion, indisputable fact: there has never been a bottomless fountain of the entertainingly pathetic like Twilight fans. Now, let us take a walk down Repressed Memory Lane, shall we?
- The Bella uterus made of felt. (See above). It’s broken because there’s a telepathic vampire adult-baby trying to escape, you see.
- “My Life is Twilight.” “Today I realized that since I started reading the Twilight books, every time my husband and I argue or he says something mean to me, all I can think of is ‘Edward would never say that/ treat me like that.’ MLIT” FML. F all our Ls.
- The New Moon missed connection. “after the movie i followed you and your friend to perkin’s. i waited outside in my car so i could watch you eat and smile. i followed you home and made sure you got there safely.i noticed you left you car unlocked so i went to have a look into your life. i can tell by looking in your car that we have a lot in common.”
- “I wanna be a stupid lamb.”
- The Twilight Prom, the loneliest place on Earth. “Hillywood Players walked amongst them dressed as Bella, Jasper, Alice and Edward — the latter had his shirt open to reveal his chest, naturally. After sniffing a few potential mates, “Edward” chose his dancing partner from among the blushing fans”
- Google never lies: offers Twilight fans plus-sized jeans and a link to the Sex Offender Registry. (I got my sex offender a toaster.)
- Abstinence parable fans visit Italy, only to be groped by real-life Italian convicts.
- The Associated Press can’t tell Twilight douches apart either.
- Put Edward Cullen’s face over your vagina, that way it feels like a guy might actually see it.
- Blood energy drink.
- Google search suggests “How to Become a Vampire.” Vampires are the undead, so wouldn’t the first step be killing yourself?
- The Edward Cullen corn maze. Corn mazes FTW, always.
- And finally, even though it’s from 2008, Tyra Banks makes Twihards compete for memorabilia… in a pie-eating contest. It’s only because they couldn’t figure out the logistics of a loneliness contest.
Anyway, thanks for the memories, and especially the web traffic, you weirdos. Now stay the hell away from me.