RYAN PHILLIPPE IS A VIKING

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09.06.07 20 Comments

Ryan Phillippe, along with Sean Bean and Abbie Cornish (I hear she’s a real game hen. Get it? Ugh), will be starring in a viking epic called Last Battle Dreamer.

Phillippe will star as a seventh-century Viking warrior named Thorfinn who, along with his older brother, the battle-scarred Hakon (Sean Bean), invades Britain.

Jesus Christ, Hollywood, first you ruin pirates with talking monkeys, ghost stories, and Jerry Bruckheimer, and now you’re trying to sell us Ryan Phillippe as a guy named ‘Thorfinn’?  Next you’ll be making a Mongol movie where everyone sits around indian style eating crepes.  Vikings are supposed to be like ZZ Top killing priests with axes, not androgynous, pouty-lipped pretty boys who I’d probably bone if we were in pris – uh… GRR, FOOTBALL.  

I’m not seeing this unless it has at least 5 scenes involving nun rape.  Screw Hollywood and their rape-free revisionist history.

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Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator.

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