Amazon Prime Day is in full swing! Right now, some of you are delightedly thinking about the rad purchases you scored. Others, are curled up in a ball sobbing because you didn’t realize how stressful this would be. (All you wanted was a waterproof mattress cover for cheap. WHY IS LIFE SO HARD?????? WHY DOES NOTHING EVER WORK OUT FOR YOU?) So as we either celebrate or allow the Prime Day stress to spiral us into a sea of self pity from which we may never escape, we thought everyone could use a break. Sure, there are a lot of big deals to check out. But what about the smaller, stranger items that Amazon wants to give us the pleasure of owning? Where is their day in the sun? Well, here you go. These are the very weirdest items up for purchase (that we not only want you to know about but to buy…immediately).
“Look how stupid the drinking horn is!” I exclaimed to my friends when this arrived on my door step late one night in the middle of a thunder storm. There was a flash of lightning and then a boom at the door. I opened it to find a plain, brown genuine leather box. Strangely, it had my name on it, but no address. Inside was Das Horn, glowing, magnificently. “Who got this for me?” I asked to blank stares. “What a funny gag gift!”
Still nothing from my friends, who now looked confused. So I filled it with lager, and chugged a beer like an old timey viking. “I’m just like a Viking king!” I bellowed.
When I awoke, I was wearing leather and fur. And I was on a Viking boat. Everyone spoke old Norse, and it was just like I was Claire Fraser from Outlander except instead of a rugged, epic love story, I was married off to a frightening Viking man named Vangard the Terrible who loves nothing more than pillaging, setting towns on fire, and smells exactly like horse feces. Everyday I pray for some sort of release from the torture, for someone to free me from the horrific time that I live in now. But alas, I fear I am stuck here for all eternity. “WHY?? Why must I suffer through this curse??? DEAR GOD WON’T SOMEONE SAVE ME?” I scream into the void every night before falling asleep through my exhausted tears.
However, if you like time travel, it makes a really nice purchase or gift. Would cautiously recommend.
We can see many reasonable, tasteful, professional uses that this can be put to. Really. We aren’t exclusively assuming that this will be used to perform black market alley endoscopies. Nope. I don’t think anyone would place this waterproof camera up their butt. People are extremely reasonable. And would never use a product named “endoscope” for anything inappropriate and/or dangerous. Never.
We have nothing against the noble beanbag chair, but we really want to know the thought process on naming this giant skin-colored squishy object — the “Cozy Sack.”
“Welcome to my my humble abode. Please make yourself at home! Perhaps by sitting on my cozy sack. It’s a bit big, but feel free to squish or punch it until you’ve gotten it into exactly the shape you desire. Your comfort and pleasure is what my sack is for! Why, I myself, spend much of my time with my cozy sack. It’s quite soft, I can assure you of that! The kids? Oh yes. The children especially love my sack! They beg for me to pull my sack out for movie nights or lazy Sundays! It really has served me well. My cozy sack really makes me popular with the WHOLE family.”