Power Ranking The Best Fast Food French Fries In The Country For National French Fry Day

07.13.17 2 weeks ago 64 Comments

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There’s this restaurant not far from my house that I always walk past. And I’ve always thought it looked so cute! So the other day I brought a friend there for lunch having never looked at the menu. This was a huge mistake. Their sandwiches were $20. Twenty. Dollars. FOR A SANDWICH.

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I wanted to back out. But I was too far in it. I had suggested the place. So I had to sit there and pretend that I WANTED a $20 sandwich more than anything else in the world. It was a nightmare.

It’s hard for me to think of a situation in which I would think a $20 sandwich was worth it. Maybe if instead of meat it was filled with five dollar bills? But other than that unlikely scenario, I feel like that price just sets you up for disappointment. This was no exception. These were terrible sandwiches. Not just terrible for twenty dollars, terrible for any amount. Like if they’d been six dollars, and I got them for three because they’d been sitting out for a week in a gas station that was being closed for health code violations…even then, I’d say, “Well, that was a waste of three dollars I could have spent on scratch off tickets.”

I should’ve been mad about the waste of money. I would’ve been! But here’s the thing…the sandwiches, they came with fries. And they were really good fries. Salty and soft like McDonald’s fries. They saved the meal. I was like, eh? Well I enjoyed that enough. Take my money.

Good fries can do that. Those fried potatoes covered in salt and seasoning can take a mediocre hamburger or crappy BLT and make the meal incredible. Put some truffle fries on the menu as an appetizer and sure, I’ll pay ten bucks for that. Happy to. But you don’t even need to pay that much! Fries are kind of the great equalizer. There’s a big difference between a fast food hamburger and an incredible burger at a good restaurant. The fast food burger has its place in your heart, sure. But it can’t compete with really good beef, truly fresh toppings, gourmet cheese, and a freshly baked bun. That’s not true of fries though. Fast food fries are usually just as delicious (if not more delicious) as the fries you’d get in any restaurant.

Fast food fries are amazing. Unless, of course, they aren’t. And then I’m filled with the fury of a thousand Christian Bales having had a take ruined.

Am I going to walk around and rip your f**king fryer down, in the middle of the kitchen? Then why the f**k are you walking right to the counter and serving me these terrible fries? Ah-da-da-dah, like this in the background with terrible fries. What the f**k is it with you? What don’t you f**king understand? You got any f**king idea how distracting it is having somebody walking up with bad fries in the middle of the f**king day? Give me a f**king answer! What don’t you get about it?

You’re an amateur.

-Actual transcipt of Allison at Shake Shack after being served their “cheese fries”

This power ranking tells you definitively who has the BEST FAST FOOD FRIES IN AMERICA and we’ll be ordering them today based on:

“Empty ketchup packets left on the floor of mom’s Dodge Minivan.”

Let’s begin.

12. Burger King Fries

You may think this is nonsensical, but it IS possible for fries to taste too much like potato. These taste like potato wrapped in cardboard dipped in oil collected from the drippings of a plain, white unscented candle that a child made during their 3rd grade class trip to Pioneer Town. These fries are blander than a protest led by Kendall Jenner.

Ranking: There are not any ketchup packets on the bottom of your Mom’s Dodge Minivan. You threw these fries out the window. They hit your neighbor, Mr. Wilson, in the face, and he shook his fist at you and yelled, “Dennis!!!!!

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