Power Ranking The Best Candies To Pass Out If You’re A Joy-Hating Nihilist

10.28.16 1 month ago • 9 Comments
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It’s been a rough f*cking year, hasn’t it? We lost David Bowie, Prince, Miss Cleo, and Gene Wilder (not to mention both Big Ang and Chyna). And Halloween already seems superfluous, because its spookiness can never rival the election set to occur just a few days later (even if everyone dresses up as a killer clown). So why even bother, friend? Why go down to the store and get the good candy when what we really need to be teaching our kids is that life is a tiresome slog toward the grave (which may come sooner, rather than later if the great orange bogeyman gets his elfin hands on the nuclear codes).

Hardly seems worth splurging on Kit Kats for, does it?

Here’s the problem, though: You can’t just go around telling kids the truth. Their parents will get angry and call an authority figure and you’ll have to explain why you harangued a four-year-old about the species-wrecking effects of climate change. Instead you have to show them that the world is an unfair place. With candy. Bad candy. These candies in specific:

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