I am going to assume that most of you are not aware of the fact that MC Hammer and Deion Sanders made a music video for their song "Straight to My Feet" from the Street Fighter soundtrack. My reasoning for this is twofold: First of all, the video only has about 500,000 views as of today, and seeing as I'm responsible for about 480,000 of those, that seems a little on the low end. Second, if a good chunk of the world knew about this video, I feel pretty confident that it is all we would ever talk about. Like, you'd go to the store and ask someone at the deli for a pound of sliced turkey, and he or she would reply "Can you EVEN BELIEVE that MC Hammer and Deion Sanders recorded a song for the Street Fighter soundtrack and Jean Claude Van Damme was in the music video?!" No one would ever get anything done. Society would crumble. It would be madness. I am risking anarchy just by bringing this to your attention.
But I suppose that particular cat is already out of the bag at this point, so we might as well proceed. Take your laptop down to your bomb shelter and join me on the following pages for a discussion about this masterpiece.
So, first things first, allow me to answer a few questions you might have. Yes, the video and screenshots are pretty grainy. Yes, this angers me greatly. No, none of that will deter me in any way from covering and analyzing it like the Zapruder film. Yes, I would pay $5.99 on iTunes for an HD version of the video.
We good? Great. Moving on.
The video opens on a party. People are drinking drinks, sumo wrestlers are sumo wrestling, pole dancers are pole dancing, rap superstar MC Hammer and Pro Bowl cornerback Deion Sanders are about to take the stage to perform a song, someone is about to ride their motorcycle right onto the dance floor. This is a good party.
This is a screencap of MC Hammer and Deion Sanders high-fiving while dancing across the stage wearing dress pants, vests, and bandanas. Alert the Smithsonian.
Here is that motorcycle driving onto the dance floor that I mentioned earlier. Since it's pretty self-explanatory, I'd actually like to use this space to direct your attention to a sentence from the Street Fighter soundtrack Wikipedia:
"Straight to My feet" was the only single to see a release in the United Kingdom, where it charted #57, despite the soundtrack being only available in that country via a purchase of the VHS tape at branches of Tesco for a limited period.
Let's pull that apart a little. This song reached #57 on the UK charts even though the only way to obtain it was by taking advantage of a special offer that involved purchasing a VHS copy of Street Fighter from a single chain of stores during a finite window. That is amazing. It's like saying "He won the bronze in the 100 meters at the Olympics, despite pulling 50 pounds of bricks behind him and getting shot with an arrow at the 40-yard mark."
I'll be honest with you guys. Deion's verse is awful. It is so, so awful. The man could lock down a wide receiver and return punts like nobody's business, but he was not musically talented at all. Not even a little. God love him for trying and sitting on a golden throne while he did it, but ... yeah. No.
Please be advised: We have now reached the point of the video where Jean-Claude Van Damme (in character as Colonel William F. Guile) and MC Hammer are wearing fatigues and sitting together at table during a raucous party that features sumo wrestling and motorcycles.
OH SH*T, SON. IT'S ZANGIEF AND VEGA AND THE OTHER CHARACTERS FROM STREET FIGHTER. AND THEY LOOK PISSED. MC HAMMER IS ABOUT TO FIGHT CHARACTERS FROM STREET FIGHTER IN THE MUSIC VIDEO FOR A SONG HE MADE THAT FEATURES DEION SANDERS. THIS IS HAPPENING. YES. YES
OH MAN. MC HAMMER AND JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME ARE GETTING UP FROM THE TABLE. LOOK AT THEIR FACES. AND JCVD ISN'T EVEN TAKING HIS CIGAR OUT OF HIS MOUTH. IT'S ABOUT TO GO DOOOOOOWWWWWWWWN.
What the hell?
There's no fight?
They just had the cavalry roll in and secure the area?
MC Hammer doesn't fight anyone from Street Fighter?
Even though he's wearing fatigues and they teased the hell out of it?
THIS IS BULLSH*T.
Oh, music video for "Straight to My Feet" by MC Hammer and Deion Sanders, I can't stay mad at you. Especially not when you turn right around and have MC Hammer and Jean-Claude Van Damme do exaggerated pelvic thrusts in the middle of a dance floor while a wild crowd cheers them on. I forgive you.
Speaking of fantastic dancing, please note the shimmying at the 3:58 mark by the Dog-the-Bounty-Hunter-looking couple that rode the motorcycle into the party at the beginning of the video. And please also note that they are doing this dance moments after large monsterhumans kicked down the door and dozens of armed men occupied the building to get the situation under control. My point here is that these two fascinate me.
The video ends as all music videos should end: with MC Hammer hugging Jean-Claude Van Damme. The only downside is that Deion Sanders is no where to be found, as he apparently bailed at the first sign of trouble. Eh, not a huge loss. It's not like he was going to tackle anybody anyway, right?