Guys, I feel ashamed. You see, there was a time where I kept up with everything Kat Von D. No little bit of Kat Von D news escaped me. I was fascinated with her relationship with Jesse James. I imagined them regularly having anal sex on a bed of nails shaped like a swastika. I imagined her vagina to be like a Venus Flytrap, capable of ripping off a man’s genitals on a whim, perhaps if she ever found herself not pleased by a man in bed.
It all happened so fast, with the DJ famous for wearing a giant mouse head tweeting, “I can’t wait for Christmas so… Katherine Von Drachenberg, will you marry me?” He attached a photo of the ring…
Von D responded soon thereafter, tweeting, “Mi corazon [my heart]!!! Thank you all for the lovely congratulations! Please excuse me while I go squeeze the hell out of my fiance!” And by “squeeze” I’m sure she meant “put his pimply balls in a vice.” True love!
In case you were wondering, Jesse James recently became engaged to a drag racer, so he seems to be doing just fine.