EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING.
As Josh reminded us this morning, IFC has generously commissioned an additional 20 chapters of R. Kelly’s bonkers hip-hopera, “Trapped in the Closet,” and they are slated to begin airing on the Friday after Thanksgiving. But, BUT, we don’t have to wait until then because they also went right ahead and released the first new episode (Chapter 23) for reasons that do not matter because WHO CARES IT IS HERE.
Now, I want to be careful here, because you really can’t get the full experience of a “Trapped in the Closet” chapter without the all-important element of “Wait. What the f-ck just happened?,” and I do not want to spoil that for any of you. But I will explode all over my living room if I don’t get a few things off my chest, so I’d appreciate a little leeway. This is the plan: I have posted the video below, and an abbreviated version of one of my music video breakdowns on the following pages. Enjoy.
The video opens with Kells sitting in his study, surrounded by fancy, leather-bound books and decanters full of expensive brown liquor. As he gets ready to open up the “Trapped in the Closet” storybook and update us on the life and times of its characters, he first tells us, “If this hasn’t taught you nothing else, it’s taught you that everybody’s got a closet, and their own problems that need solving.” While this is technically true, if that is all you have taken away from the first 22 chapters of “Trapped in the Closet,” you need to go back and watch that sh-t again. Somebody pooped their pants in one chapter. You missed A LOT.
I love that R. Kelly doesn’t just summarize the phone calls. It’s never, like, “Sylvester got a call and didn’t recognize the person on the other end.” It’s always “Phone rings, he says ‘Hello’,’ somebody says ‘Sylvester,’ he says ‘Who is this? And how did you get this number?” or “Her phone rings again, she says ‘Who’s this? It’s those people again.’ He says ‘Hang up. Hang up,‘” always delivered at a thousand miles an hour. The attention to detail is both obsessive compulsive and simply magnificent.
R. Kelly pronounces “famous” as “FIE-mous.” I don’t have any analysis on that one. I just want it noted.
Effective immediately, any time someone calls me on my cell phone, especially if I am experiencing drama in front of the liquor store, I am going to answer it by shouting “SPEAK ON IT.”
Also, what is he getting paid for? I must know immediately.
EVERYONE IS GETTING CALLS! WHAT IS GOING ON?
HOLY SH-T PIMP LUCIUS!
He ends by asking “Where are you, Chuck?” after noting that no one could get in touch with him. I am going to be very honest with all of you: I want to know where Chuck is more than anything in the world. R. Kelly is a crazy person. Chuck could literally be anywhere. There is just as good a chance that no one could find him because he accidentally left his phone on silent after watching a movie as there is that he was secretly recruited by NASA and is now on his way to the moon with a chimp astronaut named Jerome Sandwich. I’m serious, people. ANYWHERE.
Welcome back, you maniac. It’s been too long.