Sometimes the Jokes Write Themselves
Phil Pfister: Not Just a Badass Name

Brian Urlacher for Father of the Year

By / 09.26.06

(via Getty Image)


SI’s Lester Munson has a nice little piece today on Brian Urlacher’s extracurricular activities, namely his rampant unprotected fornicating and resultant custody battles. Basically, Urlacher had a one-night stand with an alleged former stripper and known golddigger that resulted in a baby, so he got himself a hard-ass lawyer to keep paternity payments low and to try to get custody. The one-night stand, which came after a romantic evening at Chili’s, was after he had knocked up his ex-wife Laurie, but before Laurie moved back in with him to have the baby. And, while I’m breaking down the timeline, his highly publicized fling with Paris Hilton three years ago was while he was still married.

And now Laurie has moved back out. I can’t imagine why. Maybe because the father of her children has been proven to have unprotected sex with women he doesn’t know, and one of those women was Paris Hilton. There isn’t enough penicillin in the world to make me comfortable with the notion of unprotected sex with Paris. Or any kind of sex. It’s nice when fabulously wealthy blondes have long legs, but the lazy eye just doesn’t do it for me. And have you heard her speak? Vince Young could beat her on the Wonderlic.

It’s times like these where it’s fun to look around the Internet and find things like the 2005 interview with Maxim in which Brian gave us some handy tips for dating.

Now that you are divorced, you must be getting all sorts of hot girls like Mariah [Carey] and Jessica [Simpson].
It’s cool. Now I do what I want. You just got to be careful: There’s a lot more problems out there now. I have to watch what I do and who I hang out with. It’s no different than when I was married, except that I get to do more things that I want to do now.

Yes, no different than when he was married, by which he means he’s free to run around having unprotected sex with any willing woman. Sometimes even his wife!


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