Hey, remember all that funny business about three Duke lacrosse players who allegedly raped a stripper they'd hired for a private show at their house? Well, today, all charges have been dropped. Somewhere, a bald eagle flying against a Stars and Stripes background sheds a single tear.
So, for all those Duke lovers out there — both of you — rest assured, there will be no more Duke jokes anywhere ever. This isn't just a case where Duke University students and alumni are saved from annoyingly and loudly protesting hilarious rape jokes by saying lame things like "due process" — this is much bigger. Why, I'd go so far as to say this changes all the stereotypes that I've gotten from meeting lacrosse players. I guess those guys really aren't rapists. Could've fooled me.
But most importantly, the most-maligned group of people who can breathe easy are privileged white young men who go to boarding schools in the Northeast. Finally, they can go outside without the constant persecution from false accusations. That smell? It's freedom. And the tune you hear is called "The Battle Hymn of the Republic."