Using a mix of modern medicine, prayer, and voodoo, the Yankees warmed up the corpse of Johnny Damon, who hit a game-deciding home run in the seventh inning to power the Yankees past the Red Sox 5-3. Captain America also homered for the Yankees, whose fans will suffer afterlives of eternal hellfire and brutal sodomy. Manny Ramirez and Jason Varitek homered for the Red Sox, whose fans are only less annoying because I'm not in Boston at the moment.
Gah, somebody just drive a fork into my eyes already. I'm so tired of this rivalry. And hung over.
Other MLB scores: Cubs rally to beat Milwaukee as Brewers approach terminal velocity in their freefall… Fucking Mariners… Mike Cameron homers to start rally that pulls Padres to within one game of Arizona. In a related story, Mike Cameron is still playing? Good for him.
I want more like this!
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