YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH GEORGE LUCAS
"Hustlin'..."

THE PREAKNESS IS A RACE TO THE BOTTOM

By / 05.19.08

Various field reports have been filed, uploaded and vaguely remembered by those onhand through the haze of infield drinking and savage beatings. Whereas last year we were treated to footage of Port-O-Potty racing, the new white hot mess this year was flinging unopened beer cans and engaging in Socratic dialectics on the subject of flinging unopened beer cans. Somehow those actions resulted in people bleeding heavily from the face, as if that's some sort of logical extension of heavy projectiles. Naturally, respectable local media was hanging amidst the fracas to relay the shameful proceedings to an audience, like the revelers, totally uninterested in the horsey races. 

A year later, the game had changed: now, the sprinting was banished to history's dustbin, as the flying debris itself took center stage.

Near as anyone could tell, today's game of beer-can volleyball broke out when someone flung a brew from on top of an outhouse. That, the surrounding masses realized, looked like jolly good fun. And soon the sky filled with silver-and-foam, the silver signifying surprisingly heavy vessels of lite beer, the foam showing that this lite beer anxiously wished to come out and join the party.

Six, seven, eight cans were volleyed back and forth simultaneously, some being consumed after their fleshy landings, others taking flight again. Some infielders shielded their heads with Styrofoam coolers. Others joined forces, hoisting a giant blue tarp to ward off the incoming fermentable attack.

One man proudly showed off what he claimed was a beer-can related broken finger. Another yanked a can out of mid-air, consumed its contents and chomped the defeated can between his jaws. A young woman face's snapped back after impact; she shook her head and managed a timid laugh.

The only thing that beats a beer-can related broken finger is a beer can filled with broken finger. It creates a really pleasing rattle, is all. It will be interesting to see what event will be showcased next year in the Pimlico Submoronic Olympics. Summer sports are covered with the sprinting and the Volley-Boh. We need some sort of slalom down heaps of insensate drunkards.  


TAGSBALTIMORE IS FRIGHTENINGCRAZY WHITEYDRUNK PEOPLEPREAKNESS

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