Swimming — Holy hell. After trailing the entire race, Michael Phelps (right) found time for an extra stroke and out-touched Peter Cavic for gold in the 100m butterfly. That would be seven gold medals in a single Olympiad, something accomplished only by Mark Spitz until now. Afterwards, Bob Costas interviewed Phelps and Spitz (who appeared via satellite), and it was a big circle jerk of greatness. "No no no, YOU'RE the greatest." Credit Spitz for being classy as he passed the mantle over. He still looks weird without the mustache, though.
Track – Usain Bolt smashed the 100-meter record with a jaw-dropping time of 9.69 seconds, claiming gold for Jamaica and the title "World's Fastest Man." But not the title "World's Fastest Man at Masturbating." That still belongs to you, chump.
Basketball – Team USA kicked Spain's ass out of the gym, winning 119-82 as their three-point shooting finally kicked in. Suck on that, Spain. That'll show you. Racism is our tradition, dickbags.