Get a room, queers
Weather on the Eastern seaboard finally cleared up enough to allow three and a half innings to be played, and the Phillies seized the opportunity to win Game 5 by a score of 4-3, securing the World Series title and Philadelphia’s first sports championship since 2008, when the Soul won the ArenaBowl. So hooray! No baseball in November! Now I can focus on mailing in basketball recaps!
Rather than talk about clutch hits or the Series MVP, I’d like to take this opportunity to address this notion that “long-suffering” fans “deserve” for their team to win a championship. Specifically, it’s bullshit. As a fan, the only things you’re entitled to are drunkenness and disappointment, and in that regard Philadelphians have gotten the max return on their investment. You know who else doesn’t deserve shit? Cleveland. Seattle. Cubs fans. Everyone can just go to hell, because none of this means anything anyway. Enjoy your fleeting moment of happiness before you go back to your dead-end job and loveless marriage. Up next: taxes and death.