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Power Rankings: Bike Tires Can Get Expensive

By 08.27.10

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1. A hapless running back doing hapless things: I’ve done this in Madden countless times, but I never thought I’d find someone as stupid as me who’d actually attempt the ‘run backwards hoping for that break around the defense that will never come’ football theory in real life. Something tells me his mother’s about to pick a new favorite child. H/T S.O.B.

2. Shoes for bike tires: I’m not sure how useful this bike’ll be in day-to-day life but it sure as hell is cooler then the Segway.

3. Stone Temple Pilots’ Frontman Scott Weiland takes a tumble from the stage: I have no idea who this guy is or what his band is capable of but I do know that he needs to get some of those child safety gates for any stages he’s going to bring his bullhorn to. Skip to 1:28 to see Weiland pull his best Gerald Ford impression.

4.¬†McNabb fighting back: Throughout his tenure as a Philadelphia Eagle it seemed that if anybody in Philadelphia had a football opinion they wanted to get off their back, it was usually about how much they despised the quarterbacking ability of Donovan McNabb. Whether it was his inaccuracy, constant clowning around in situations deemed ‘serious’ or choice of wristband, everybody seemed to have a beef with McNabb, and for little reason. This is a guy who won four straight division titles in one of the toughest divisions in football, led the team to five NFC title games and always seemed to play his heart out even if some of his balls ended up creating divots. Yet throughout the criticism, McNabb somehow kept his mouth shut. This is no longer, as McNabb recently spilled his guts to GQ magazine, getting most of everything he wanted to tell the city of Philadelphia in the ten years he spent as our quarterback off of his chest, and I couldn’t be happier for him. It’s quite the compelling read.

5. Weeds star Marie Louise Parker talks to about how she’s never actually smoked the stuff: Though she’s never smoked pot, she HAS licked a pot lollipop. I’ve listened to 50 Cent songs, Parker. *nods knowingly* I’m pretty sure I know what that means. You have cavities!

6. A whining Peyton Manning: One of my favorite things in life is to watch people I partially dislike act like babies in front of a nationally televised audience, and that’s what Peyton Manning did last night after the new umpire rules set forth by the NFL hampered the patented game-wide hurry up offense he enjoys using. As he gyrated his arms and bugged his eyes out looking like a turkey on the brink of castration, I laughed my head off and watched Aaron Rodgers show why he’s about to become known as one of the best quarterbacks in the league.

7. Little league baseball on ESPN: I haven’t been able to watch much of the LLWS this year because I keep getting robbed and my roommates keep forgetting to pay the cable bill (mostly because their cable money was robbed as well) but now that I’m planted firmly in front of a television these small children with a strange obsession with Chipper Jones have transfixed me, in a totally non-pedophile sort of way. Plus, it’s always good to know I have better skin than SOMEBODY on the television. Also, as Mitch Hedberg once wisely stated, “So I wish I could play little league¬†now, I’d kick some f—–‘ ass!”

8. Danger Guerrero’s Twitter: My fellow Uproxx employee and good friend DGonly has 195 twitter followers, and his tweets dictate that he should have at least, eh, 210. Give him some love, he needs the confidence!

9. The Tumblr of Nick Holmes: Like random pictures of hilarious images that make little sense yet still make me extremely happy? This Tumblr’s like Reddit.com, except actually interesting. For example: babyhate

10. America: AMERICA.

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