Best: Plainclothes Heath Slater
John Laurinaitis welcoming back the sub-broomstick Stars Of Solidarity had the same effect as last week’s Vote Of Confidence, where the segment itself was bad and didn’t accomplish anything positive, but had tiny moments I could desperately cling to like Donald Trump clinging to Hulk Hogan as he swims to safety from collapsing fault lines. The brightest and best of these was Heath Slater, who elevated himself from “crazy talented young guy nobody will accept as good because he wasn’t great on NXT a year and a half ago” to “f**king GOD” with the best and most hilarious street clothes ever. Dude was rocking a fedora and sunglasses outside in the dark and that’s not even the best part: he’s wearing what appears to be a long-sleeved stone-washed jean-shirt (jirt?) with the sleeves rolled up and WRIST TAPE. That’s amazing.
Slater’s clothes were made to look even better by the guys who followed him — Ted DiBiase, Ezekiel Jackson and Daniel Bryan were dressed like they should be tagging with “Always Dangerous” Don Montoya and Reckless Youth on a CHIKARA card from 9 years ago. What, DiBiase couldn’t have his Posse Party last night? He was in the parking lot anyway.
Best: Dolph Ziggler, In Passing
The returning Superstars Superstars tried their best to be indistinguishable from one another (Ezekiel Jackson and Titus O’Neil are always wearing different colors when they’re near each other and I’m still not convinced this isn’t a Sin Cara situation), but Dolph Ziggler (and by proxy, Ziggler’s crew) looked great by way of Dolph’s dismissive “whatevs” to Johnny Ace as he passed. Punk’s been claiming to be the Voice of the Voiceless, The Rock is the voice of The People and Triple H is busy listening to the WWE Universe, but Dolph just spoke for almost everyone watching. Whatever, let’s move on.
Best: Evil Sin Cara Is Vince McMahon
I love that he’s dressed like that, even if a part of me is sad the Sin Caras weren’t in the parking lot in full ring gear with jacket. They should just be dressed like Sin Cara at all times, shouldn’t they? It’s like some weird DeviantArt thing where they draw Martian Manhunter in jeans. Luchadores in suits and masks are the tops, though, and if Heath Slater hadn’t sauntered in looking like one of the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies I would’ve given him top honors.
Worst: Even I Don’t Want This For John Morrison
I don’t like John Morrison a lot and he does a ton of things wrong (wearing his brand new WWE shirt during a rally protesting unfair treatment by WWE, walking up to the Raw General Manager and telling him he sucks with no provocation, speaking, wrestling, etc.), but even I got a Passion Of The Christ vibe from him last night. I don’t know if he’s on his way out in a few months or if he’s paying the penance for staying with his girlfriend or what, but after months of watching him get injured and lose it didn’t seem entirely necessary for him to lose in 60 seconds to a secondary rent-a-finisher and get nWo’d by the entire Vickie Guerrero Collective.
It’s weird, because six months ago a segment where everybody beats the sh*t out of John Morrison would be a big flashing best, but it felt wrong. Firstly, WWE crowds don’t really react to Morrison like they react to Cena or Orton, so watching him get beaten up for a few minutes doesn’t bring out any kind of emotional response in them. Secondly, the guy HAS been losing a lot lately, and I wouldn’t think you’d give him a DVD and a bunch of hype videos for his return if you wanted him to be Trent Barretta. Thirdly, is it weird to anybody else that the FIRST SEGMENT following a company-wide walkout over unsafe working conditions under a power-abusing GM is a power-abusing GM allowing four guys to cheat and beat up a babyface wrestler with no consequence? Were the non-Dolph Ziggler’s Team wrestlers actually paying attention to anything, or did they just walk about because the crowd was moving in that direction?
That’s the problem with tonight’s episode in a nutshell — “anything can happen” sucks when you make a point to have it not make sense.