Worst: So Is Beth Phoenix Still Worried About Getting Raped Or Whatever
Remember when Beth Phoenix pulled a Malibu Stacy on Raw and told Triple H the Divas were just dumb ol’ girls who were worried something would happen to them, and you thought her point was that R-Truth and Miz were going to beat her (or Maxine, or whoever) up, but it kinda sorta sounded like she was talking about rape? You remember, she said “something might happen” and Triple H rightfully said “like what, nothing ever happens to you” and she said “NO, SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPEN” and wink wink nudge nudge him about it? It was weird.
Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that about a month removed from that we have Kelly Kelly being asked questions by an extremely tall person (at least that’s how it looked, because they tried to cram the camera up her nose) only for Beth Phoenix to show up and choke her to death against a wall. The obvious story here, relating to both Beth Phoenix’s statements at the walk-out and the whole R-Truth and Miz gang attack thing, is that the WWE Superstars didn’t actually feel unsafe in their working environment, they were just doing it to f**k Triple H out of his COO job. The pessimistic point of view is “okay, so this is all about Triple H and none of it makes sense”, with the optimist leaning towards “they probably should have a character clearly state this at some point so I don’t have to assume everything”. The optimist feels this way based on 30 years of having wrestling’s only moment of unspoken inference being the Big Bossman raising the briefcase, and we know how many of you figured that out on your own.
This segment was the Raven/Richards vs. The Pittbulls of backstage Divas segments. If they’d had Kelly back there, had Beth choke her and Eve make the save, it’d have been fine. Instead we got a Kelly Kelly interview about nothing, Beth choking her with multiple people standing around all yelling different things, Eve managing to dispatch ALL of them, and an extended catfight where everyone appears to be wearing the same outfit. Would it kill them to show us a girl in sweatpants? Or workout clothes? Hope Solo doesn’t show up for games in high heels, for Christ’s sake.
Best/Worst: She’s A Great Gal (Theme From Eve Torres)
I’m not the type of guy to keep 18 clearly-labeled versions of the Undertaker’s entrance theme on my iPod and yeah, Eve’s been entering to HOLLA HOLLA (Kelly Kelly’s requiem) for so long I forgot she even had an entrance theme, but Eve’s Vengeance remix made me laugh out loud. I’m glad they haven’t compromised the genius of the lyrics (“she looks good to me”) and just made it sound less like a Jim Johnston “here comes a hot girl 2002” anthem and more like a Patrick Stump “Soul Punk” B-side. Watch, on Monday night they’re gonna be all DOWNLOAD THE NEW FALLOUT BOY SONG “EVE TORRES” FROM ITUNES, TRENDING NOW and that joke is going to be even less effective.
Weird thing I noticed: Female pro wrestlers generally have a song sung by a woman or a song about how they’re a woman as their entrance theme. Do men approach their songs the same way? Does Triple H like Motorhead because they have a boy singer? The only male wrestler I can think of with a woman singing his entrance theme (not counting people with narcissist gimmicks) is Christian’s Waterproof Blonde version of “Just Close Your Eyes”, and they got rid of that version the second he came back. Maybe this is why I like Beth Phoenix’s entrance theme so much. That, and the fact that it sounds like an M83 single.
Best: Eve Torres Is Suddenly Rey Mysterio
Last night featured two occurrences of Eve:
1. I congratulated Rachel Summerlyn on being #34 on the PWI Female 50 and mentioned how that only makes her 23 wrestlers worse than Eve Torres.
2. When I got home I checked a few forums to see how people were liking the show and saw a lot of “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I thought the Eve match was kinda okay!” followed by arguments about how we’ve just had our expectations lowered so much that two women not botching the hell out of everything felt like a “great match” and how that was flawed logic.
It is flawed logic, but I’m going to give credit where credit is due; the women in WWE clearly don’t have a lot of control over what happens and are at the instant whim of a company full of misogynistic creeps who promote or demote based on amount of Hawaiian Tropic photoshoots completed, so they don’t have the luxury that, say, Rachel has where she can go out and choke the sh*t out of Showtime Scot Summers until he bleeds to death because it’s fun and awesome. It’s a different job and the ability to battle through a globe of these lowered expectations and still perform to the best of your ability has to be nigh insurmountable.
So yeah, Eve did a great job last night, I thought. It wasn’t KANA vs. Sara Del Rey. Hell, it wasn’t Portia Perez vs. Lillie Mae, but it was good — legitimately pretty good — and worth a little accolade without qualifiers. Eve’s Rey Mysterio counter to the Glam Slam into a roll-up was the most believable near fall on the show (right alongside Big Show’s Super Chokeslam) and even her slow-mo Christo was fun.
Worst: The Big Show, As Written By Zap Brannigan
Speaking of show, I don’t blame him for it, but how bad was his backstage interview?
“Mark Henry thought I was going to be a bust in his Hall Of Pain! But Mark Henry’s Hall Of Pain will CRUMBLE … like a house of cards! Vengeance … will be mine!”
All he needed to do was add “checkmate” on the end and it would’ve been perfect. Serious question, Mark Henry beat you up and everything, but since you showed up in WWE you had the Bossman raid your father’s funeral and drag away his corpse, you’ve been attacked with tear gas, you got sprayed with a septic tank full of literal sh*t by Eddie Guerrero, Alberto Del Rio had you run over with a car, hell, the Undertaker drove you into the middle of the desert and left you to die. Why are you so concerned with devaluing Mark Henry as a man?