Best: Sheamus And Christian Are Great, But You Know That
Christian vs. Sheamus is starting to feel a lot like Christian vs. Randy Orton did over the summer — the reasons why they’re wrestling are becoming less and less important, but the matches stay good. When a company builds to three pay-per-views in a month and a half, what more can you ask for? I understand the point of view that Christian should be one of WWE’s top good guys, because he’s great at putting together matches like this and his chickensh*t heel thing makes him look weaker sometimes than intended, but I love him in this role. Randy Orton is the silent babyface who fights bad guys, and Christian is the loudmouth bad guy who keeps getting beaten up, but it’s always fun to watch. Little role identifiers like that can go a long way sometimes. Christian’s been around long enough and has done enough to be happy settling into a role like this. He’s a two time World Heavyweight Champion, he’s held the tag team titles about 70,000 times and he almost slept with Lita and got a Canadian dollar out of it, maybe a guy who legitimately loves wrestling would be okay wrestling a lot, and being asked to do it well?
“He’s not winning enough” or “he looks weak” or “he’s being buried” is a really narrow interpretation of someone being “used” wrong. Quicker version: Would you rather have Christian’s WWE career or Scotty Goldman’s?
On a loosely related note, yes, Christian gets another in a series of never-ending Worsts for his hyperslow Killswitch set-up, and after watching Bound For Glory last weekend I’ve been made a little too aware of the Kurt Angle Royal Rumble 2003 style of WWE big pressure situation finisher reversal runs, so as Best as they pulled it off, it was a little (just a very little) Worst. Sheamus spinning around and throwing a blind Brogue Kick would’ve been awesome if Christian hadn’t come running out of the corner into it. Just have him assume it’s coming and be wrong.
Best: David Otunga’s Coffee Thermos
David Otunga put on a sweater and a bowtie and started slurping coffee out of a douchey travel thermos and is suddenly my favorite Parks and Recreation character. It works. The travel mug is the best heel accessory prop in a long time, and while it hasn’t yet reached Jim Cornette tennis racket or Jake The Snake snake status, it’s at least as great as the Paul E. Dangerously Zack Morris cell phone. Somebody needs to bring that back. Also, Otunga needs to start burning people with his hot coffee and smashing them in the head with his mug. Easy feud with Kane, there.
wait, did I just ask for a Kane vs. David Otunga match
Worst: You Know What Else Sucks? When You Can Tell Somebody Else Wrote This Skit
Longtime readers of this column know that The Miz and R-Truth are two of my favorite people on Raw, but just as I have to give Eve credit for a solid performance I have to condemn my favorites for mailing it in. The “you know what SUCKS” segment with Miz and Truth backstage was brutal, and seemed less like the enjoyable Spanky and Stymie back-and-forth from their team’s inception and more like a WWE writer who just got a forwarded e-mail of Yo Mama jokes and thought he would work them into the show. It felt like an improv sketch where you know the performers are funny, but they can’t get anything going and just kinda go “oh is that right” to each other and make you feel tired. It didn’t help that Miz couldn’t get out the word “sucks” every third time without his lisp coming back from whatever grave he left it in alongside Coral to haunt him.
It had its high points (Miz: “NO YOU CERTAINLY DO NOT”) but its low points were pretty low. Nobody else is backstage, guys, you don’t have to stand with your shoulders touching.
But Still, Best: The R-Miz Chest Bump
Yeah, the MizTruth chest bump into taunt is now my favorite wrestling mannerism, right ahead of the Alberto Del Rio self-fanning. If you ever listen to me ramble on incessantly on a podcast you’ll learn how desperate I am to have a friend to talk to about wrestling in real life, almost exclusively to do this bump in public. And yes, as I finished typing that sentence I realized why I don’t have more friends.
Best: John Cena and Undertaker In Wax
They’ve added some clothes to him since I was there, but I’ve been to those creepy wax statues of John Cena and The Undertaker in San Antonio. Here’s a picture of my girlfriend posing with the Undertaker. As bad as they look, they’re actually the best looking wax figures in that terrible museum, which is why they put them out front. It’s very clearly the place where they send the old wax stuff nobody wants anymore, so they’ve got Ron and Harry Potter and Hermione, but they’re very clearly nondescript white people in Harry Potter wigs, so ten years ago they were probably Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake, and ten years before that Brandon and Brenda from 90210. They have a pretty good Barack Obama, except he’s covered in white ash, so either he’s the God Of War version of Obama or somebody at Madame Tussaud’s dumped sh*t on him by accident and shipped his drippy, ashy ass to the hottest place in the world.
Also, when you get to the end it’s suddenly about Jesus and is a total downer.