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The Dugout: Jim Thome’s Back(yard)

By 10.27.11

The hilarious pull-quote featured to the right is from an ESPN article detailing Jim Thome’s address to the City Club of Cleveland, wherein he announces that despite the market not being flush for 41-year old designated hitters he’d still like to play in 2012. “In a year or two, this team can do some very special things,” Thome said. “They have put the groundwork in, done things the right way.”

He continued to praise the team, the city and the organization, but really the most important thing he said was about playing by himself in the backyard. In the spirit of sharing only the important things a man says, today’s Dugout presupposes — What if that actually happened?

Today’s Dugout is after the jump. Cleveland, if you’re reading this … keep this guy around for a while, would you?

The Dugout

 

** Online Host **
Welcome to the 2012 Major League Baseball Season Chatroom!

 
WordUpThome: HEY DAD I’M GONNA BE PLAYING CRACKERED-JACK BASEBALL IN THE BACK-YARD WILL YOU TELL ME IF ANY TEAMS CALL  
WordUpThome: DAD  
WordUpThome: HEY DAD HEY  
WhatsUpChuck: FER PETE’S SAKES JIMMY CAINT YOU SEE I’M WHITTLIN’, WHAT’RE YOU RAISIN CAIN ABOUT  
WordUpThome: IF BASEBALL TEAMS CALL ME ON THE TELEPHONE WILL YOU HOLLER AT ME  
WhatsUpChuck: BASEBALL TEAMS  
WordUpThome: YES THE TEAMS WITHIN THE SPORT I PLAY, SUCH AS CLEVELAND’S INDIANS OR THE MIAMIC MARLINS  
WhatsUpChuck: /makes indecipherable, guttural noise  
WordUpThome: OH DAD YOU ARE A BIG WIG AT THE CRACKIN’ ME UP FACTORY  
WhatsUpChuck: IF YER GOIN OUT TO PLAY TAKE RANDY  

WordUpThome: CAINT

RANDY TOOK HIS RAMBO KNIVE AN GATTALLING LASER INTO THE WOODS TO HUNT MOUNTAINED LIONS JUST THIS MORN

 
WhatsUpChuck: WULL YOU CAINT PLAY BY YER LONESOME  
WordUpThome: I’LL BE FINE PAPA I HAVE MY PASSION AS WELL AS A BURLAP SATCHEL OF SANDWICHES  
  **Online Host**
WordUpThome has left the chatroom.
 
WhatsUpChuck: /makes dad noises  
  **Online Host**
Later, in the Thome Family Backyard Chatroom…
 
WordUpThome: OKAY LADIES I’VE GONE OVER THE STRAT-O-MATICS AND PLAYED WITH THE PERCENTAGES SO HERE’S HOW WE’RE GONNA LOOK IN THE FIELD  
WordUpThome: PLAYER-COACH JI  
WordUpThome: JIM THOME WILL BE ALL TIMES HITTER AND PLAY FIRST BASE, SO LONG AS IT SHANT REQUIRE HIM TO MOVE  
WordUpThome: HUG ME BEAR YOU ARE ON SECOND  
HuggyBear:  
WordUpThome: NIGHT FORCE CRAZYLEGS FROM GROUND INFANTRY JOE YOU’RE THE CORNERED STONE OF OUR INFIELD AT THIRD  
Crazylegs: /is action figure  
WordUpThome: SHOULD YOUR PELVIC BAND BREAK AGAIN WE’VE GOT CRIMSON GUARD AS A BACK-UP  
WordUpThome: BUT I PURCHASED HIM AT A FLEA’S MARKET FOR ONLY ONE DOLLAR AND HAVE SEEN MONEY-BALL AND KNOW HOW THAT STORY ENDS  
WordUpThome: WE WILL HAVE TO UTILIZE A SYSTEM OF GHOST RUNNERS, WITH "GHOST" SUGGESTING ASSUMED AND IMAGINARY PERSONS AND NOT SATANIC SPIRITS WHAT ARE AN AFFRONT TO OUR LORD  
WordUpThome: ANY QUESTIONS  
Crazylegs: /spent at least 15 years crammed into a Sky Sweeper at the bottom of a toybox  

WordUpThome: /puts cassingle of Dolly Parton’s Star-Spangled Banner into a Teddy Ruxpin and plays it in its entirety

 
WordUpThome: PLAY WITH BALL  

WordUpThome: /lobs ball into air

/cranks ball 480 feet

 
WordUpThome: COME ON CRAZYLEGS LET’S SEE SOME HUSTLE, USE YOUR CRAZY LEGS  
Crazylegs: /slowly starts to melt  

WordUpThome: LOOK LIKE YOU’RE ALIVE HUG ME BEAR I’M ROUNDING SECOND YOU CAN STILL GET ME

 
HuggyBear: /lies in dirt  

WordUpThome: SIGH

WHY DID I THINK THIS WOULD WORK

 
WordUpThome: CRAZYLEGS WE’RE MOVING YOU TO SECOND  
Crazylegs: /isn’t even as good as the other guy who came in the two-pack  
WhatsUpChuck: JIMMY YOU GOT A CALL ON THE HOME TELEPHONE  
WordUpThome: WHO IS IT POP  
WhatsUpChuck: I DON’T KNOW IT JUST MADE A NOISE  
WordUpThome: ARE YOU SURE IT WASN’T JUST THE MICROWAVE  
WordUpThome: ARE VOICES COMING OUT OF IT  
WhatsUpChuck: JIMMY YOU GOT A CALL ON THE  
WordUpThome: IS IT THE INDIANS OR A STEAK N’ CHEESE HOT POCKET DAD  

WhatsUpChuck: I DUNNO JIMMY

IT WAS DONE IN 90 SECONDS AND SMELLS AWFUL

 
WordUpThome: THAT COULD BE EITHER ONE  
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com

TOPICS#MLB
TAGSBaseballCHUCK THOMECLEVELAND INDIANSGI JOEJIM THOMETHE DUGOUT

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