Worst Worst Worst: You’re In Love With Him, We Get It, Now Leave
Kevin Nash took about two minutes to drunkenly slur his way through a ten minute promo wherein he had two attempts to say “Madison Square Garden” and f**ked both of them up. “Manson Square Garden” and “Mansquick Swear Garden” respectively. He said the same thing he always says (“Triple H betrayed our friendship”) and thankfully left out the whole “I got a good reaction at the Royal Rumble” thing that would’ve sent him tumbling quads-first into meme territory.
I’ve given up trying to find the problem. Just bring back Triple H, give them a No Holds Barred Street Fight or a Hell In A Cell or whatever at TLC and put Nash back on a Greyhound to Orlando where he can have fun running around and playing with others of his kind. I think the problem is that nobody believes what’s coming out of Nash’s mouth because NASH doesn’t believe what’s coming out of Nash’s mouth. Can’t he say “Triple H and me were friends and we hugged each other at the Garden when we shouldn’t have, and that started a big thing” without sounding like he’s reading book report off cue cards? Didn’t that stuff actually happen? Why do I need to tell a 50-year old millionaire to use his brain and mouth to speak? Why even continue this at all? Have Nash disappear, bring back Triple H at the Royal Rumble and have Shawn Michaels be all “so were were you” and H points his dick at Hornswoggle or whatever and goes “he did it” and Hornswoggle runs away going AH AH and the crowd laughs. Boom, retconned.
Best: Cody Rhodes Is F**king Awesome
Cody Rhodes is now officially my favorite person in WWE, and possibly wrestling. God damn I love him. If you missed him skunking Mason Ryan at Survivor Series, go watch it. I have spent the better part of a month reacting to Santino Marella’s matches with Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger with, “you guys are actual wrestlers, why aren’t you killing him?” And then Cody gets into a match with Santino and just stops the Cobra with his arm because the Cobra is stupid and doesn’t hurt, murders him with Cross Rhodes and pins him in maybe a minute. It. Was. GLORIOUS. This is what I’ve been asking for.
And the best part wasn’t even the match, it was the immediate aftermath. Cody pins Santino, crawls off of him, looks back with a smile on his face and SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS LIKE IT WAS NOTHING. Like he’s surprised all he had to do was show up and do his finisher to beat Santino. Like he’s just figured out what I’ve been begging someone to figure out for the last month. I love it, and I’m going to be going WHOAAA-OHH for the remainder of this year, and probably most of the next.
Best: HE JUST SPLASHED WATER ON THAT BOY RIGHT THERE
And the hits just keep on coming.
After the match we learn that Cody Rhodes watches the television program on which he performs and has heard Booker T sh*t-talking him. Being a Clever Girl, Cody asks Booker to say that stuff to his face. Booker doesn’t. So Cody splashes water in his face to see if he’ll back up his words. He doesn’t. So Cody goes from cautious velociraptor to snickering know-it-all as he more or less struts around the ring and up the ramp. Booker T is established as a guy who threatens to beat Cody’s ass in WWE ’12 but won’t say it to his face, and Cody is a motherf**king boss. It was the truly emasculating equivalent to Santino stealing Jerry Lawler’s delicious Subway sandwich.
Best: Kelly Kelly’s Internal Monologue Externalized
Oh. Oh God. So many things to love about this segment.
1. Kelly Kelly saying “Baym! Baym! BYAM!” every time her video game character does a move.
2. Alicia Fox and Kelly Kelly deciding to play video games during Raw and doing so by standing up about an inch and a half from the screen.
3. Alicia Fox playing video games by holding the controller and doing nothing. Couldn’t they have gotten A.J. to fill in here? She knows what a Fan Lift is. I’m sure she could convincingly play a video game on television.
4. Beth Phoenix and Natalya interrupting and complaining that WWE ’12 doesn’t have realistic Diva crying A.I.
5. Kelly and Alicia turning around to stop playing and the camera clearly showing the characters still wrestling on the screen
6. Kelly FINALLY reacting to the Divas Of Doom by saying “uh, anyway” and going about her business
7. Kelly Kelly having the Rob Van Dam leg drop in WWE ’12
I could go on (Kelly and Alicia having propped up the WWE ’12 case vertically in front of the television, Kelly carrying around a huge poster of her Maxim cover wherever she goes) but I’ll just say this is my new favorite bad backstage segment. I can’t wait to pick this up today and yell BYAM while Vader murders Kelly Kelly.