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LOLNFL 2011: Week 12

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 11/28: Get On Your Vegan High Horse And Ride

By 11.29.11

Worst: Mick Foley Thinks We’re All Roller Coaster Riding Five Year Olds From 15 Years Ago

Disclaimer: As the only 12-year old watching WCW who thought Cactus Jack was awesome, I understand that Mick Foley has fallen onto/into/amidst things for a long time and has earned the right to wander out in a Santa suit and read poems for a paycheck, and shouldn’t have to be set on fire or thumbtacked in the cheek or scraped in the stomach with barbed wire for my amusement. He is a human being and not a clown head in a drive-through.

That being said, how much of a f**king clown head is Mick Foley at this point? I like him being around, but nobody with Mick Foley’s sense of humor and ability to talk should be languishing in that Commissioner Foley Cheap Pop thing this far down the road. My first date with Destiny (the person, not the concept) was (retroactively) TNA Lockdown 2009, where I had to watch an aging Foley win the TNA World Heavyweight Championship from Sting in what would’ve been the objective worst cage match in history had I not been live in Charlotte from Kennel From Hell and had Matt Morgan vs. Abyss in a DOOMSDAY CHAMBER OF BLOOD AND FEAR not also been on this card. It was sad. I’d rooted for him against the Nasty Boys, I’d subscribed to PWI to follow him when he ended up in Philadelphia, I started watching WWF again when he showed up as Mankind and cheered maybe harder than ever before when he Digivolved into Cactus Jack to make Triple H sh*t his pants on national television. Now he was too old to be doing this, too bad to be rewarded with this, and too inevitably depressing to explain.

So no, I’m glad he’s back and getting paid, and I don’t want him falling off the stage or anything, but I also don’t want him yelling HAVE A NICE DAY into a microphone while Santa’s Lil’est Helper Hornswoggle does a jig in the corner and Mrs. Claus Rosa Mendes botches handing a gift to Bick Dick Johnson or whatever. Piper’s Pit being on this show is a great example of what I’m talking about. I don’t want Piper pinning The Miz, but I DO want him around, because he’s got a great mind for this and can make the mindless, Jack Swaggerian bullsh*t happening seem important. Do that, not this.

Best: Ho Ho Holiday Smackdown Is Getting Blogged Live

But hey, while we’re talking about Santa Claus and pro wrestling, don’t forget to help WWE celebrate the November f**king 29th holiday with a live, Tuesday edition of Smackdown and (more importantly) a With Leather Live Best And Worst Of WWE Smackdown Live-Blog (live). Me and Justin are going to talk about pro graps, eating cat food, the social meaning of literally everything that happens and, more likely than not, the goddamn Golden Corral Chocolate Wonderfall.

So be there tonight at 8 PM to chat and hang out with us. If you are on the fence about it, here’s a picture of Kaitlyn in Christmas clothes. Click it. CLICK ITTTTT.

Worst: Some Of God’s Greatest Gifts Are Unaired Backstage Segments

Speaking of Justin, he sent me a text early yesterday that read “Mae Young on Raw tonight”. At first I thought “oh, cool, maybe they’ll bring her out to mess with Mark Henry because of those weird Madison Square Garden chants and he’ll just knock her down and induct her into the Hall Of Pain”. Then, because I’ve watched wrestling before, I remembered that her only contributions are calling women bitches and being led by the arm. She just kinda goes EHHHHHHH and shuffles away. The show came and went, and no Mae. I was relieved.

Then, this happened.

If you asked me to script a Raw segment I’d hate, this is what I’d come up with. Zack Ryder backstage in his Show Your Tits Broski beads, getting Eve Torres to sign his United States Championship petition that was already considered and ignored. Have them stand shoulder-to-shoulder for some reason instead of in any way two people might actually interact. Have it turn into a romantic thing, and have Eve say she can’t go on a date with Zack because she has to wash her hair, remembering that Derrick Bateman perfected and killed off the WWE Date Segment. Have Zack be dejected, but then Mae Young shows up looking like somebody in a George W. Bush caricature Halloween mask to muddle her way through his catchphrase and try not to fall down before the camera stops. AND SCENE.

Worst: Kissing CM Punk’s Ass

A lot of people seemed to like this backstage thing, but I still don’t know exactly what Punk is so mad about. It just kinda made me uncomfortable, like when I was a kid and Sir Mix-A-Lot came on the radio while I was in the car with my parents, and I had to hear about his “anaconda” while my Mom looked at the radio for five whole minutes wondering if she should change it. This is WWE television. I don’t want anybody kissing anybody’s ass, okay?

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