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The Dugout: Happy Halloween Two Days Ago

By / 11.02.11

The St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series. More importantly, I found out that Jim Thome autographs the Halloween candy he hands out.

That’s a Jim Thome signed Kit Kat, shared with Dugout co-founder Jon Bois by @bretwallin, and it’s right behind “that time he dressed as Paul Bunyan” on the list of things Jim Thome has done in real life to pull him closest to our fictional depiction of him here. The only way it could get better is if he accidentally kills something by petting it too hard.

Halloween was two days ago, sure, but this is the reason it should happen every day. Today’s Dugout follows.

The Dugout

 

** Online Host **
Welcome to the One Neighborhood Where All The Baseball Players Live Halloween Chatroom!

 
Child: trigger treat /holds out bag  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: whore you spost to be  
Child: spinerman  
SoccerMom: Trick’r treat! Isn’t m’lil’ nugget the CUTEST Spiderman ever??  

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: firse of all its "spider-man" with a hypen its not his surname his name ain’t bill spidermun or harv spidermun

he doesnt work at the f**ken front orifice of marvel comix

 
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: seconly of all what gen spider-man are you spost to be, does he have a costume where you can see his eyes an the lower have of his f**ken face  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: because if he does an peter parker or miguel santos or whatever the new ones name is wears a hat his pedestrious ass is gonna get pick’d off by the doctor octopus  
SoccerMom: He’s "your friendly Spiderman"! From the movies!  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: ugh  

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: aight look full disclosure imma mad fitness robot so all i got in my candy bowel is l-glutamine cut into the shape of smarties an pea protein portion’t into plastic baggies

would you like either both or none

 
SoccerMom: c’mon, m’lil’ man, let’s try another house  

Child: /holds out bag

/has no idea what’s going on

 
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: wull wait, stone might have a strawbry candy wrapped to look like a f**ken strawbry given to him by his nee-naw b’cause she’s 70, do you want that  
SoccerMom: let’s go, sweetheart, maybe we can find "the Joker" at the next house!  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: jesus christ how are you in charge of a child’s life  
  **Online Host**
Several houses later…
 
SoccerMom: So what’d you think of the Young brothers’ house? Wasn’t it SUPER scary? And so full of candy! Too bad they didn’t give you any  
Child: enghhh /drags bag filled with 130 million dollars worth of Bit-o-Honey given to him by the Washington Nationals house  
SoccerMom: I think we can try this house, the jack-o-lantern just has "HELLO" written across the front in sharpie but whatever  
Child: trigger treat /holds up bag to closed door  
WordUpThome: HEY GUYS TRICK OR TREAT  
Child: trigger treat  
WordUpThome: TRICK OR ELSE TR  
WordUpThome: TREAT TRICK OR ELSE TREAT  
Child: trigger treat  
WordUpThome: DO YOU WANT A TRICK OR WOULD YOU LIKE A TREAT PLEASE CHOOSE  
SoccerMom: /nudges child forward  
WordUpThome: SO WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSING TO BE, MAMA’S LITTLE SWEET NUGGET MONKEY-MAN  
Child: spinerman from spinermaaan an um an he fice um he fice bad guys aaan um  
WordUpThome: UH HUH  

Child: an um /looks away, has completely lost train of thought

an one time um he was in a building an he was um he was swingen an he saw silvermane an he was

spinerman was

 
WordUpThome: YES PLEASE GO ON  
SoccerMom: Maybe you should ask the nice man for some candy, honey  
WordUpThome: OKAY WELL WHAT HAPPENED TO SILVER MANE  
Child: spinerman he took a um, he took a crystal an he smashed it, an ummm an silvermane went to jail because um, because spinerman won  
WordUpThome: AND WHAT IS SILVER MANE, IS THAT WHAT KEITH HERNANDEZ WAS YELLING TO ME ABOUT FROM THE STREET  
Child: /can’t think of anything to say because nobody’s ever talked to him for this long  
SoccerMom: (do you have any candy)  
WordUpThome: HEAVENS TO MURDERTROID DO I HAVE CANDY DOES JI  

WordUpThome: M JIM THOME HAVE CANDY

POP A NEIGHBORHOOD TYPE JUST INQUIRED AS TO WHETHER OR NOT THE THOME HOUSEHOME HAS CANDY CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT

 
WhatsUpChuck: KEEP IT DOWN I’M WATCHIN MY GARFIELD STORIES  

WordUpThome: DO WE HAVE ANY CANDIES

MA’AM DOES A DEER’S HEAD LOOK GOOD WHEN YOU’VE SEVERED IT AND ARE HOLDING IT AMIDST YOUR MASSIVE SHREK HANDS

 
SoccerMom: i don’t know what you’re asking me  
WordUpThome: WELL SHOOT FOR A SPIDERED MAN I HAVE THE GREATEST HALLOWEDWEEN CANDY EVER FORGED:  
WordUpThome: /reaches under cap, produces one Melster Peanut Butter Kiss loosely wrapped in orange wax paper  
WordUpThome: SO TO WHO OR WHOM SHOULD I MAKE THIS OUT  
Child: /holds out bag  
WordUpThome: /reaches under hat, produces orange sharpie  

WordUpThome: /writing, reading aloud

"TO SPIDERED-MAN, ONE OF THE BIGGER OF MY FANS

 
SoccerMom: /pulls son out of doorway  

WordUpThome: /still writing

"I LIKED YOUR MAJOR MOTION PICTURES, NUMBER 2 ESPECIALLY. MAJOR MOTION PICTURE 3 DID NOT DO A LOT FOR ME

YOUR JAZZ DANCING CAUSED A GREAT DISCONNECT

 
WordUpThome: "HOWEVER, HALLOWEEN IS A TIME TO CELEBRATE GHOULS AND TO A LESSER EXTENT GHOULIES. IN CONCLUSION, HAPPY HALLOWEEN  
WordUpThome: "WARMEST FEASIBLE REGARDS FROM YOUR FRIEND AND NEIGH-BOR, JI  
WordUpThome: "JIM THOME"  

WordUpThome: THERE YOU GO ALL I COULD FIT ON THE FRONT WAS THE LETTER T BUT HOPEFULLY YOU CAN REMEMBER IT ALL

SPIDERED-MAN

 
WordUpThome: SPIDER-STYLE MAN WHERE DID YOU GO DON’T YOU WANT THIS SEMI-DELICIOUS HOLIDAY TREAT  
WordUpThome: WELL DARN ALL OF IT /lifts cap to replace candy  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: hole on a tic ol man put that sh*t in my mouths  
WordUpThome: OKAY DO YOU WANT ME TO SIGN IT FIRST  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: only if your def an signen "have at sh*t in ya mouth an eat it up kyle farnsworth" with your f**ken donkey from shrek hands  

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /throws candy into air

/misses mouth by like a foot

 

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /eats candy off floor

 

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: /remains motionless for several seconds

that wont a carmel cream was it

 
WordUpThome: OH NO IT WASN’T I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS  

pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: the lil brown circles with like a entire sugar cube in the guts

it wasn’t that was it

 
WordUpThome: NO SORRY  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: what was it jim thome  
WordUpThome: I DON’T KNOW I GOT IT FROM MY NEE-NAW WHEN I WAS BUT FIVE  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth:  
pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth: i dreamt it would end this way  
Photos link to player info. WordUpThome.com

TAGSBaseballCLEVELAND INDIANSHalloweenJIM THOMEKYLE FARNSWORTHMLBSPIDER-MANTAMPA BAY RAYSTHE DUGOUTWHO WANTS CANDY?

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