Best: Fives In Everything
Fantasy booking idea (turn away now): WWE should use social media to establish a group of young Superstars who share my point of view that John Laurinaitis is a normal guy but into an extraordinary position and will make bad decisions and mistakes from time to time (I said on the Grantland podcast that Laurinaitis is basically Ron Donald from ‘Party Down’ and I stand by it) but that he’s TRYING, which is something the Teddies Long and Erics Bischoff never did, and support him.
He needs SOME of the employees to see his point, right? No man can live on Otunga alone. Throw a Derrick Bateman his way as the opposing voice in the argument, that way Laurinaitis can start favoring someone unfairly and actually accomplish any of the bad things he’s getting booed for. Did you like “The Corporation”? Try it again with a guy who is literally the corporation.
Additional fantasy booking: John Laurinaitis says “evaluate THIS” and hits Triple H in the face with a microphone, speeds off on his Big Johnny skateboard.
Worst: Here Comes WWE COO
CM Punk Triple H
Triple H and CM Punk are the same person. I hate to say it, but it’s the truth. I guess it started when Punk put on H’s jacket. They became the same character — a tell-it-like-it-is type who speaks in a calm, sarcastic voice about how worthless the guy in the ring with him is, always making sure he’s the coolest and most important person talking, always bringing it back to gayness and balls. They pace the same way. They SOUND the same. The only difference in Laurinaitis/Punk and Laurinaitis/H is Johnny’s response to their level of power.
It’s the worst. This Raw was stellar from top to bottom, but between “TIME TO PLAY THE GAME” and Undertaker’s dong it was just the f**king worst.
Worst: John Laurinaitis Just Got Inducted Into The “Stand There And Pretend Like What I’m Saying Is Hilarious And Cool” Club
A quick recap
1. Vince McMahon, the CEO of WWE, was fired from the position of COO by the Board of Directors for nearly costing WWE its championship and putting himself in front of the well being of the company. He retained his position as CEO, but I guess COO is more powerful than CEO so he couldn’t do anything. He gets replaced at COO by the guy who fired him, Triple H.
2. COO Triple H gets fired by the board of directors as the General Manager of Raw (?) for putting himself in front of the well being of the company, gets replaced by the Executive Vice President of Talent Relations as GM of Raw but maintains his position as COO, which is weird because that was his job.
3. John Laurinaitis almost gets fired as Interim GM of Raw AND Executive Vice President Of Talent Relations (“fired”, not “relieved of day-to-day duties” or whatever) by the guy he fired who couldn’t stop Laurinaitis from firing HIM because Laurinaitis was “making it personal”, even though he didn’t let anyone leave the company the WWE Championship or cause things to get so bad the talent walked out.
So Laurinaitis can fire Triple H who can fire Vince McMahon who can’t fire anybody despite being everybody’s boss, and Triple H can still fire Laurinaitis and is the guy the board of directors (who may or may not be able to fire anyone directly… or exist) choose to do the evaluation despite 1) having lost the job involving the responsibilities of doing job evaluations and 2) having an obvious conflict of interest. Ms. Brooks has been put in charge of the WWE Knockouts, but she still has to report to Karen Jarrett, because she’s the wife of the founder, who has to report to the general manager, who has to report to the owner, who can be fired by petition.
Is that right?
Best: Saved By The Bell
I have never been more happy to see the Undertaker.
Best: Undertaker’s Weave
Taker had a severe case of Kane Hair upon his return, and with Triple H seemingly turning down Taker’s suggestion that they have another match at Wrestlemania (which I’m rationalizing as “Taker beat H twice, but that second time he couldn’t leave under his own power so he wants a more decisive victory to prove he’s still got it”) I can only hope that Taker will remove the Hair Hat, get on a motorcycle and crew cut his big old ass down to the ring for one more run as Big Evil.
Most of you remember Biker Taker from his babyface run, but I urge you to go back and watch some of his matches as BOOGER RED. Watch his title match against baby Randy Orton, the ladder match against Jeff Hardy where Jim Ross nearly blows out an o-ring wishing Hardy well, or even that hilarious time he dragged Hulk Hogan behind his motorcycle. It was all great, and if we have to have another month of Resting In Peace, let it involve Limp Bizkit.
Or, you know, Laurinaitis saves his job by signing Brock Lesnar to face Taker and giving H the coward’s way out. Either way works.
Top comments from the week, which will take me an extra hour to dig out:
NWOSTINGER (I love all the STINGERS we have)
Brandon’s reaction to reaching 1500+ Comments:
next week: eve vs. kane’s pyro. she wins if it doesn’t make her run away.
BookSavvy and The Next Steve Blackman. This one is born from the joke earlier in the night that John Laurinaitis would respond to Triple H’s job evaluation by unmasking as The Undertaker:
swear my first thought when Taker showed up was “Holy crap, Johnny is the Undertaker! The Withleather gang called it!” I love you guys.
Ain’t no wave, can hold my Johnny down…
Attacking my expendable friend dozens of times and terrorizing his girlfriend…that’s a paddlin.
OH NO HOW CAN KANE BE BEHIND YOU HE WAS JUST ON THE BIG TV
KillPrint (I’m totally with you, bro … she should’ve made a “Jaqueline is from the jungle” reference):
In this Rock montage, the soundbite of his mom going “He’s half black and half samoan” made me have Opie & Anthony flashbacks so shoutout to WDB and Scotsman
Nothing sells The Rock to wrestling fans like Vanessa Hudgens.
This WWE Superstar may lower the Boom. Can you solve my riddle, dark knight?
BRYAN DON’T EAT THEM JIMS SO HE DON’T LIKE THEM TROOPS
Vegan you next week, everybody. Sorry, I meant “see”.