The cast for season 14 of ABC’s ‘Dancing with the Stars’ was unveiled this morning, and to answer the questions you may be having so far:
1. Celebrities and tangentially-related people from the world of sports are once again participating, following in the footsteps of former winners like Emmitt Smith, Hines Ward and Shawn Johnson, as well as former hilariously awful losers like Evander Holyfield, Kenny Mayne and Ron Artest.
2. No, I can’t believe ‘Dancing With The Stars’ has 14 seasons, either. It started in 2005, so you’d think it’d have what, maybe seven? But reality shows have seasons corresponding to literal seasons so we’re up to 14, and ‘Survivor’ is about to start season 470.
This year’s sports folk include:
Donald Driver – Green Bay Packers wide receiver and the football player whose name sounds the most like a wrestling finish. I’m calling at least one instance of him running and jumping into the crowd at the end of a dance.
Martina Navratilova – Tennis great and four-time Wimbledon champion. Unfortunately she’s probably gonna get the “WAIT A MINUTE, GAY PEOPLE EXIST? SHIELD THE EYES OF MY CHILDREN BLERGHHH” Chaz Bono dancing celebrity thing.
Maria Menounos – Super hot TV anchor and ‘Extra’ correspondent who consistently reps the New England Patriots and recently gained an increasing fame for losing a bet and being forced to wear a New York Giants bikini with no Giants logos on it that was also Patriots colors, but nobody noticed because holy sh*t her torso.
A brief recap of the remaining cast (including STEVE URKEL~) is after the jump.
Jaleel White – The best part is that his Entertainment Weekly blurb says, “he’s appeared in shows like ‘Step by Step’, but you know him best as Urkel from Family Matters”. Right, maybe because he also played Steve Urkel on ‘Step by Step’. “You may know Kelsey Grammer as Frasier, but he has also been on Cheers.”
Gavin DeGraw – Singer-songwriter. He’s that guy your parents hear on the radio and go “hey, this is pretty good!” despite being sub-Rob Thomas soulful horsesh*t. Wool beanie appearances on DWTS are set to go up by at least 400%.
Jack Wagner – He’s played Dominick Marone in almost 1,500 episodes of CBS’ ‘The Bold and the Beautiful’, but you probably know him as the most together guy to ever put it in Heather Locklear.
William Levy – The Jack Wagner of 20 years ago of Mexico. Sadly, not Jim’s Dad from the American Pie franchise.
Katherine Jenkins – An opera singer, because I guess “opera singer” counts as a celebrity. Sh*t, if opera singers can get on this show, I’m gonna try to get on. Look for me fox-trotting the f**k out of Victor Cruz or whoever on season 15.
Sherri Shepherd – Not Shirley from ‘Community’. Once was the in-canon hookup of WWE’s Montel Vontavious Porter. Thinks the Earth revolves around the sun, or whatever they talk about on ‘The View’.
Melissa Gilbert – Laura Ingalls Wilder from ‘Little House On The Prairie’. I’d give anything for Nellie Oleson to join the cast out of nowhere and ruin it for her. Fun fact: I am a directly related to Laura Ingalls Wilder.
Roshon Fegan – Disney Channel guy. Thinks he’s about to become a huge star, but is secretly tracing the footsteps of Corbin Bleu. Enjoy watching your white cast members on the red carpet in 10 years, Roshon!
Gladys Knight – Singer, Pip-wrangler. Over/under for ‘Midnight Train To Georgia’ references set at 1,000.