Best: Chris Jericho, Ultimate Self-Confidence Troll
A few weeks ago, I complained that despite advertising a completely new character, Chris Jericho had returned as the dour, suit-wearing Best In The World At What He Does Chris Jericho in 2007 Y2J’s clothes. Granted, I love Parasites And Sycophants Chris Jericho, but I’d been hoping for something we hadn’t seen a thousand times before.
I think I may’ve been mistaken. The early, wonderful trolling of Jericho’s return hasn’t gone away, he’s just morphed it INTO the meanfaced guy. Because he can’t just run up to CM Punk in a flashing jacket and point at him for a reaction, he’s got to troll Punk with the only thing that CAN troll Punk — family issues and substance abuse discussions.
That’s brilliant. Punk’s been smirking his way through the main-event since the Summer, because sure, he likes wrestling and he wants the championship, but he doesn’t really care about that, at least in the way he cares about being Straight Edge and better than everyone else. So Jericho wisely decides to poke him in that soft spot, and in the way a guy on a forum might bait you into getting really pissed off about stuff and say he’s “just kidding” or “doesn’t care”, Jericho says “hey Punk your dad’s an alcoholic and your sister is Wendy from Breaking Bad” and Punk can’t keep on the facade, he gets all BLAGHHH I HAVE DARED TO RESIST DRUGS AND ALCOHOL LET ME EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU EXTENSIVELY I WILL BECOME A MONSTER et al. and Jericho just trollfaces and types “u mad” with his mouth.
He’s just kidding. He doesn’t care if Punk drinks or not, he just wants to mess with him. I don’t think he even wants to win the match. He knows what he’s saying is bullsh*t, and that the stuff he said about people ripping him off was bullsh*t, he’s just On The Internet In Real Life.
Worst: Censoring The Curse Words
Why would WWE censor CM Punk for saying “you’re bullsh*t”? Either say the word or don’t, censoring makes it sound like you’re writing on a 13-year old’s Livejournal. People who censor curse words to not offend their sponsors are f**king a$$h0les*.
*If I could type “Everlast ‘What It’s Like’ radio edit animal noises” here and have it read properly, I would. They call her a sinner, and they call her a HEE HAWWW
Best: Kane Getting Jobber Intro’d
I hope you enjoyed entering the ring during the commercial, 20-year veteran with a high profile match at Wrestlemania! We needed extra time for the Cody Rhodes boink noises and “pushing a rock pushing a rock pushing a rock” video package.
Best: No Chain Wrestling, But At Least It Was Quick
Advice for anyone else wrestling The Big Show: if you’d like to beat him in less than a minute, wait for a minor distraction.
I want to say Big Show vs. Kane “wasn’t bad”, but it was only 80 seconds long, and even Aksana would have to start throwin’ bows right away to f**k up something in 80 seconds. I think Big Show and Kane have the most forgettable matches of all time. In fact, I can only remember three out of the assumed 14,000 they’ve had:
1. The terrible PPV one where they were on the ground choking each other, and someone was supposed to run in or whatever and missed their cue, so they just stayed there holding the choke forever.
2. The funny TV one where they start off doing catch-as-catch-can stuff and everyone forgets the rest.
3. The one from last night.
…and unless they show a video package from Raw on Friday, I’ll have forgotten this one happened by Monday. Maybe they should just combine these kinds of matches with the Bella Twins Diva tag ones and have Kane and Big Show use Twin Magic to get roll-up victories on folks and I’ll only have to spend 80 seconds of my life watching one of them.
Cody Rhodes is doing something very important: showing ass, and making you want to see him lose. I love Cody, and after the last month of him being an impossible dickbag to Big Show, even I want to see him get his ass kicked*.
Last night is a great example of how WWE bad guys should act. If you’re feuding with somebody, you don’t handcuff them to the ring, beat up their wife and make out with her unconscious body … you handcuff them to the ring, pull out a pair of bright red boxing gloves and punch them in the face a bunch. For wrestling “humiliation violence” to really work, it has to be something you wouldn’t just go to the cops about. If Triple H breaks into my house and throws me through my front window, I’m making sure he gets fired and thrown into prison. But if he hit me with novelty boxing gloves? Oh man, I’d kill him.
*On a serious note, if Cody retains at Wrestlemania I will start mailing out smiley face cookies.