Worst: Michael Cole’s Explanation Of Tensai’s Green Mist
Michael Cole (the man WWE chose to be the one guy who talks about them for a living, not counting Scott Stanford) says that according to “Japanese lore”, the green mist certain wrestlers spew is “meant to cause problems in vision”. This is awesome analysis for anyone who doesn’t know what happens when somebody spits something into your eyes and might’ve missed the last few weeks of Tensai spitting liquid in peoples’ faces and having those people clutch their eyes and complain of blindness.
Best: Chris Trew’s Explanation Of Tensai’s Green Mist
My live Monday Night Raw Watch Party co-host explained that the green mist is actually Mountain Dew, the perfect beverage to compliment a Doritos Locos Taco.
Suddenly this winning streak is falling into place. He needs to start calling the Baldo Bomb the “Baja Blast”. Note: I would rather drink the moisture from Lord Tensai’s Spit Hand than Baja Blast Mountain Dew. I am not sh*tting you.
Best: This Comment, From Our Open Discussion Thread
This is the funniest and best idea ever. Until somebody makes another contextual Watchmen reference, I dub thee Brandon’s Favorite With Leather Wrestling Comment Ever.
Worst: Welp, They’ve Ruined The Cool Brock Lesnar Interview Video Forever
This is a piece of what I wrote in last week’s column about Brock Lesnar’s “Cena’s gonna piss his pants and also sh*t them” tough guy pre-tape
The Brock Lesnar video package above is glorious, because it shows you all the ways Brock can kill a man (other than “giving him diverticulitis”), shows Brock BEING legitimate instead of telling you how legitimate he is and allowing Brock a taped, MMA-style interview segment where he can say his farmboy Satan sh*t without having to stumble over a live microphone. Just a huge win all the way around. I want to see Brock kill everyone, and at least one more instance of him F-5ing a shark.
… and while a part of me still believes that, no part of me can watch a previous week’s video package two and a half times on the same show and maintain creative wood. I just can’t do it. Here’s a list of things we saw the most during Monday’s show:
1. The contract signing graphic (more on that in a second)
2. That Doritos Jacked commercial where they drive a monster truck through a building
3. That horrifying Just For Men commercial with the CGI beard child and his blonde adult date who is absolutely gonna f**k that baby
4. That USA Characters Welcome commercial with two guys in suits and sunglasses walking side-by-side that they acted like was for three different shows but I’m pretty sure ‘White Collar’ and ‘Suits’ are the same thing, and don’t even get me started on ‘Royal Pains’, that’s just a Vagisil commercial with a helicopter
5. The Brock Lesnar Pissing And Sh*tting Video Package
6. That same USA Characters Welcome commercial except Elena McNulty is there and the white guys are black.
The worst thing is that this report is gonna be exactly as long as the two hour version would’ve been, because at least an hour of Raw was video packages and a looped commercial break. I don’t know why it was three hours long. There were what, four matches? It was less content than usual. If you’re gonna do another three hour Raw, give me a theme to follow along with, or at least some sort of wheel to spin.
(Also Callie Thorne should be there.)
Worst: The Contract Signing Graphic
But no, seriously, by the end of a three hour Raw I was Walter White in his f**king crawl space about this graphic. Without hyperbole they showed it at least 65 times, and the first time I could go “lol look at Brock Lesnar’s neck, it looks like a pack of hot dogs” but by time 35 I was reading The Lord’s judgment of my life on the clipboard.
I don’t ever want to see it again. I’m afraid if I look at that screen grab long enough I’ll start seeing colors and end up in an alien bedroom.
Best: Brock Lesnar Hates Impact
Here’s a list of everyone we got to see Brock Lesnar beat up in video package form last night:
1. Jeff Hardy
2. Rob Van Dam
3. Hulk Hogan
4. Kurt Angle
What do all of these people have in common? Besides drugs. Notice that we didn’t see any footage of The Rock getting F-5′d. I wish they’d worked in that time he motivationally berated Matt Morgan backstage. The same people who put together tonight’s show should hype Daniel Bryan and Sheamus with nothing but footage of Bryan tapping out the Briscoes.