The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 4/16/12: The Lonesome Grave Of John Cena

By: 04.17.12

Worst: Jerry Lawler Is Suddenly A Soccer Expert

Not to put too many bad things in a row into the positivity column, but the very very worst part of Raw (and, in a way, the very best part) was Jerry “The King” Lawler suddenly becoming a walking soccer encyclopedia when Santino Marella came out to do his soccer jersey gag. In my brain, it was the opposite of Michael Cole knowing how many dinosaurs were discovered in England and comparing Brodus Clay to an Iguanodon.

“Chelsea? Come on, Santino, that’s not going to work here! In London! That’s not the team they like from sports! Oh no, Manchester United?? You’re in London! London England! They don’t like midfielder Luis Antonio Valencia here at all!”

Although Lawler does get a tiny best for saying “lon-don” like Paul Rudd in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Best: David Otunga’s Reinvention Of The Lateral Press

What Happened: David Otunga was going to cover Santino, and Santino would avoid the three count by putting his foot on the ropes. Otunga dropped down and realized he was gonna be in the way of Santino’s leg, so as to not f**k up the finish he moved to the other side.

What We Saw: hup, hold on, whoops, wait, no, I got it, hold on


hup, hold on

Alternate Theory: He had so much baby oil on his chest he couldn’t make a cover without slipping around like that. Seriously, look at this:


The inside of that cape has got to be the grossest thing ever. When it hits the stage it should slither away like a snake.

And Speaking Of Snakes: Understanding The Physics Of The Cobra

This has been bugging me for a while. The obvious talking point is that Santino’s putting a sock on his hand and jabbing you with it, so it’s dumb that it incapacitates you completely and you have to lose if it touches you. It’s very similar to Scotty 2 Hotty’s The Worm (which is a one-handed bulldog that keeps you down for a minute and a half until he can chop you somewhere on your torso and you’re dead) or The Rock’s People’s Elbow (a spinebuster keeps you down for a 200-count, but Rock only covers you when he’s danced around a little and dropped an elbow to your lovehandles with every ounce of force going into making his back hit the mat as hard as possible), but even those have MOVES before them. Scotty bulldogs and chops you, Rock spinebusters you and elbows you. Santino is literally just putting a sock on his hand and poking you with it.

So I’ve decided to figure it out, and here’s my theory. It’s been established in the past that by creating (or “conjuring”) The Cobra with his hand jive, Santino’s arm, sock or no sock, becomes akin to a living cobra. It can threaten people or, as we’ve seen several times in the past, attack people on its own.

Now, if a snake hits you as hard as it can with its nose in a jabbing motion, it’s not going to hurt you very much. A snake weighs like four pounds or something and can’t get any real momentum going. It CAN bite you and poison you with a similar motion, so instead of the Cobra hurting you like a martial arts strike, the Cobra strike (as a magical conjuration) takes on properties that deliver instant poison damage and paralysis. That’s why guys don’t sell the Cobra by jumping backwards and flipping, they just go stiff and fall backwards. Right? That has to be right.

If it isn’t, I will consult my “how does this snake arm work” book of notes and we’ll reconvene next week.

Best: Densetsu No Lord Tensai

Wait, is it Ten-SAY? My Japanese is terrible, I learned everything I can say from ‘Excel Saga’. I can say “yes” and “no”, “where are the bathrooms” and “hail Il Palazzo”.

Anyway, Lord Tensai having Josh Mathews interrupted instantly by his follower so he can talk about fear and speak Japanese like Mola Ram is amazing. He should spit on his hand and use it to rip out Josh’s heart.

Worst: I Think These Prototype Commercials May Have Misinterpreted ‘Hurt’

I’m guessing Trent Reznor didn’t write this melancholy song about the differences between society and self-harm with an image in mind of racially non-specific dudes attacking each other with sword hands. I wish game companies cared more about making games that work and are fun and less on booth babez and epic commercials.

Ah well, it’s still better than that creepy ass baby telling me I’ve always wanted the biggest, baddest beard. You don’t know me, sexually-active baby with a driver’s license.

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