Watching Detroit Lions quarterback Matt Stafford poop the bed against the St. Louis Rams yesterday was rather bothersome for me, as I spent a quarter of my auction league cash on his three-pick-throwing ass a week ago. But then I remembered the above commercial for Monday Night Football and the irony tickled me enough to make me forget that he almost cost me my suicide pick, too. Seriously, just too much stress in one afternoon.
Speaking of football and quarterbacks that cause migraines, Philip Rivers and the Chargers headline an evening that features two fierce NFL rivalries. And if you’re a communist or tree-hugger and you don’t like watching the NFL, I’ve found some alternative programming for you as well.
Pro Football Talk – 5 PM ET on NBC Sports
Long day at work got you down? Unwind by watching a lawyer talk down to people about football. Maybe, if you’re really lucky, Mike Florio’s good friend Peter King will stop by and they can compare fart odors. Is that lilac? I’ll never tell!
Monday Night Football: Cincinnati Bengals at Baltimore Ravens – 7 PM ET on ESPN
Boomer Esiason is the latest analyst to call Joe Flacco an “elite” quarterback, and while I don’t have a problem with Flacco – because God knows I’d love to have him on the Miami Dolphins, a team that could have drafted him – I’m just tired of this debate. If any QB has to tell people that he’s elite, the chances are that he’s not elite. Sure, Flacco was one pass away from the Super Bowl. So was Alex Smith. The difference is that an elite QB makes that pass.
But I don’t want to enrage Ravens fans – again, I like Flacco – so I’ll just take this moment to say a prayer to the Fantasy Football Gods…
“Dear Fantasy Football Gods, please find it in your hearts and minds to let A.J. Green get me 20 points tonight. This is the only time I will ask you for anything this season. Your faithful servant, Burnsy. Amen.”
ALTERNATIVE PROGRAMMING: A&E is showing 3 reruns of Hoarders, followed by Intervention. And if you’re watching that instead of football, then you should have your own episode of Intervention.
WWE Monday Night Raw – 8 PM ET on USA
I ended up staying in Friday night, so I watched a little of Smackdown. One of these days, I should write a recap of a WWE event, because I never know who anybody is and I’m always oblivious to plots. I’m like a baby playing with a piece of tin foil.
Monday Night Football: San Diego Chargers at Oakland Raiders – 10:14 PM ET on ESPN
I can’t even talk about the Oakland Raiders right now without immediately thinking about Drew Magary’s hate mail for his “Why Your Team Sucks” series. If I had one wish, it would be for the common sports fan to have a sense of humor. Actually, if I had one wish…
“Dear Fantasy Football Gods, it’s me again. Sorry, I know I said I wouldn’t bother you again, but that A.J. Green prayer? Forget it. Instead, can you make sure that Darren McFadden stays healthy all season? Please? I will be forever in your debt. Amen.”
NCAA Football: Washington at LSU (replay) – 1 AM ET on ESPNU
Who the hell is watching this game again except for hammered LSU frat boys playing drinking games? I’m not knocking them, mind you.