Best: I Think WWE May Have Stolen My Focus-Grouped Fantasy Booking For Ryback
Just like that, The Ryback is main-eventing a pay-per-view. Well, “main-eventing”. The Punk/Ryback match will probably open the show, allowing Orton/Del Rio or whatever to go on last, but he’s got the title match.
As GIF Master Casey mentioned to me on Twitter last night, it’s looking more and more like WWE mic’d my hotel room in Easton over Chikara King Of Trios weekend, recorded my elaborate, fantastical booking for Ryback and is using it without my permission. Before you jump on me about a King Of Trios column, I have now recorded two different podcasts (here and here) about it, so if you need to know what I thought about the show (besides “everything was great” and “I miss my friends”), go listen to them.
Anyway, here’s my plan for Ryback. *ahem*
So the idea is that Ryback crunches jobbers (check), says “feed me more”. Starts working his way up the ranks, beating people like Jinder Mahal (check), says “feed me more”. Eventually he works his way up to a title match with Punk (check) and just MURDERS him, taking the WWE Championship in the same amount of time it took him to beat Stan Stansky. Says “feed me more”. Sheamus volunteers his efforts (“oy’ll foit him”) but eats a Shellshock and fails. Ryback unifies the WWE and World Heavyweight Championships.
Vince (or Triple H, or whoever) gets scared and decides he doesn’t want to lose the belt to another crazy guy, so he sends his top guys after Ryback. He sets up a handicap match, Ryback vs. John Cena and Randy Orton. Ryback destroys them both, Shellshocks both of them at the same time, says “feed me more”. Shocked, Vince does the only thing he can do: he sets up a match at WrestleMania pitting Ryback against Triple H and The Undertaker. Ryback destroys them both, marches around the ring with both of them over his head, pins them both, says “feed me more”.
Thus begins a dark, ten year reign with Ryback on top of the WWE as its God-champion. Nobody ever comes close to beating him, and he just serves as pro wrestling’s Galactus, sending out his heralds (Heath Slater, Drew McIntyre) to find him new opponents to eat. If WWE ends up being the only game in town, send Ryback after the TNA, ROH and Chikara Grand Championships as well. Anything and anyone he can eat.
After ten years, we introduce a young, autistic wrestler who is the first to have grown up in a world knowing only Ryback as champion. This kid figures out a way to beat Ryback, gets into a match with him, rolls him up and PINS HIM. Ryback’s reign of terror ends, and the kid who beat him is NEVER SEEN AGAIN. That kid would be a F**KING LEGEND. Statues of him everywhere. The world starts anew, and everyone begins again on a level playing field.
So if that’s what they’re doing, I’m pretty excited about it.
Worst: Hey Everybody, I’m John Cena! Let’s Cheer For Ryback Together!
Shut up and leave us alone, John.
Best: The Nexus
This was pointed out to me, but I wanted to expand on it. Last night, save for Michael Tarver, every member of the original Nexus was on Raw. To make it even better, take a look at where they are now, compared to the Team WWE that defeated them.
Original Nexus Members
Wade Barret – getting a renewed push, taking World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus to the limit two weeks in a row.
Justin Gabriel – challenging the United States Champion, and looking great in the process.
Heath Slater – the funniest person on Raw, heading up his own stable of guys, invading local bars because MUSIC, BAYBAYYY
David Otunga – teaming with Dolph Ziggler, wrestling Ryback. Has been an important-ish part of backstage segments for the last year.
Darren Young – winning a tag team match against Santino Marella and Zack Ryder, helping to rejuvenate the tag team division.
Skip Sheffield – now Ryback, challenging for the WWE Championship in Hell In A Cell at Hell In A Cell.
Daniel Bryan – wrestled for team WWE, but was an original Nexus guy. 2/2 of the Tag Team Champions, the most over guy on Raw, best wrestler in the world. Selling merch like he was the f**king Hurricane.
John Cena – reigning God-King of WWE, but he hasn’t held the WWE Championship since September of last year. Lost his high-profile match at WrestleMania to a movie star who’d been retired for 7 years.
Edge – injured, retired.
Chris Jericho – had a disappointing return run, is either retired or taking another extended hiatus depending on which day you ask him.
Bret Hart – long retired, shows up occasionally to say ‘thank you’ during hockey chants because he doesn’t know how to dress or say words and barely knows what’s going on.
R-Truth – talking to an imaginary child
John Morrison – fired, forgotten.
When they said “you’re either Nexus, or you’re against us” they weren’t screwing around.
Best/Worst: So Are We In A Corner Here, Or What
I’m not sure what they can ACTUALLY do with Ryback now. The only things that make sense are:
1. Ryback just mauls Punk and wins the WWE Championship, which would be cool and unexpected, but also wouldn’t really benefit anyone, because audiences like Ryback but aren’t necessarily familiar with him, it would instantly devalue Punk’s 300+ day title reign that needs a proper ending at next year’s WrestleMania (or the Royal Rumble, if Rock really needs to promote his movie that badly) and “monster who cannot be defeated” stories don’t usually have good endings, unless you’re really booking that autistic kid 10 years from now.
2. Punk namedropped “the next big thing,” so maybe Brock Lesnar shows up like Kane did in HITC1, rips off the door, F5 and kimura locks Ryback into submission and gives Punk the win. Punk keeps the belt for his things with Cena and Rocky, Ryback loses without losing face, and we get a cool Ryback/Lesnar story that ends at WrestleMania with them both mailing it in and getting stunnered by Austin.
Who knows? It’s nice to be interested in a PPV main-event again, at least!
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Ugh, could you imagine a PG Cena trying to seduce a woman?
“I’m gonna thrust my fun stick in your scary hole and fill it with cinnabon frosting!”
“You guys all know what happened on SmackDown!”
I want someone to come out, lay out the 3 Man Band and just say
“I’m shuttin’ the studio down.”
I feel like in his free time Sheamus goes around ruining quinceaneras.
I hope in ten years some ethnic superstar is told that his favorite Raw moment was the time 3MB invaded that bar in Nashville
CM Punk is going to take on Cancer at Hell in a Sickle Cell
I was hoping Ryback would have a set of tights spray painted like a suit for this formal occasion, but I guess not.
Ryback should have stood a Subway foot-long on end on that table and asked Punk if he wanted to see a magic trick.
Just so we are clear… 3MB is > 1
See you guys next week.