By now you may have heard that former Cincinnati Bengals and Miami Dolphins wide receiver Chad Johnson has a sex tape floating around out there. Maybe you’ve already stopped by to visit our cooler cousins at Kissing Suzy Kolber to check out the NSFW clip that most definitely proves that Johnson’s newest career venture is indeed pornography. And maybe you’ve even already read that Johnson has admitted that the sex tape exists.
Oh, but of course he didn’t leak it.
We’re told Chad has no idea how the tape leaked to the Internet … but insists he wasn’t behind it … and now he’s exploring his legal options in hopes of having the tape removed from the web ASAP.
So far, it doesn’t appear the entire video has made it’s way into cyberspace — only bits and pieces — but we’re told the entire tape is “substantial in length” … (Via TMZ, where “it’s” is the new “its”)
Sure. Chad didn’t leak it. I mean, why on Earth would he ever want to leak his own sex tape? After all, this is the guy who allegedly head-butted his wife when she discovered a receipt for condoms in his car. And this is the same guy who was exposed for using Twitter as his own Adult Friend Finder, when a famous Atlanta stripper spent way more than 140 characters bragging about how she’d been sleeping with then-Ochocinco, but how she wasn’t the reason that his divorce went south.
Or maybe she was, I can’t even keep track of this crap anymore. What I can keep track of, though, is a huge coincidence, and in this case that’s the fact that Johnson is unemployed with no shot of being an NFL starter anytime soon, and he’s probably hurting for money. So if you put two and two together, you get a guy who’d probably want the kind of money that comes with a sex tape.
Good thing PornHub already made Chad an offer back in August. Ahhhhhhhhh, coincidences. In case you forgot, I’ve included the original letter from PornHub’s CEO after the jump.
August 14, 2012
Dear Mr. Johnson,
I hope this letter finds you well. First off, we would like to applaud you on the name change – although it’s not the one we initially had in mind as you might well remember.
Allow me to get down to the real reason I am reaching out to you on behalf of our company, Pornhub.com (the premier destination for online adult entertainment). Your recent misfortunes have caught our eye, and while we regret to learn about the hard luck that’s come your way, we would once again like to lend you a helping hand in your time of need.
In short, we are extending an offer to you and your beautiful wife Evelyn to create a “makeup” sex video exclusively for use on our site. As proof of your participation in the video, we would simply need you to film an introductory scene in which you and your wife state your names and intents for the camera. Once again, we believe that this partnership would truly be beneficial for both parties.
In return for your willingness to cooperate, we will gladly compensate you to the tune of $100,000.
Again, we truly appreciate your consideration of our offer and look forward to the possibility of working together soon.
All the best,
I’m not a betting man, but if I were, I would drop a few quid and wager that this full video will soon be on PornHub for the entire world to see. Until that happens, I thought that I’d chip in with some suggestions for a title:
Banging Chad (Because people are unoriginal and will using the only Chad pun that we know – Hanging Chad – and it’s also the first thing I thought of, because Hung Chad makes sense. But the Internet is also a terrible place, so let’s just pretend I never mentioned that.)
The Cincinnati Bang-All
Rad Johnson (There are BMX bikes and 80s music involved.)
One in the Pink, Two in the Ochostinko
First and 69
Wide Receive Her
BJ Houshmanzadeh (That’s if he wanted to deny it and pretend it was someone else.)